Where has the time gone?

The Martin fam now has a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

Time. Flies.

Our life has been changing a lot lately! We moved twice, and love our new house. We have one kid in school, another kid in daycare, and I have been working again, which has been good for me. We also (recently) accidentally got pregnant again, and sadly lost that little babe pretty much as soon as we found out. That has brought up all sorts of feelings for us, but that's a conversation for another day.

Right now we are enjoying decorating our new house, swimming in our new pool, and juggling day to day life. Trying to soak in the last of the smallness. Enjoying each other and our family.

Life really is good. Sometimes, it sucks, but it goes on - there is always so much good.

--- I know I don't post very often, but also know that a few people we know in person have read this blog in the past (which was always for our trying to conceive/loss struggles). Please, please do not discuss our most recent loss with anyone. We are not ready to share it with some people yet, and for good reason. Thank you for respecting our privacy.

Life Update

*So much* has happened since I last posted. A lot of wonderful things have been happening in the Martin household! We have a WALKER...and we have a PRE-SCHOOLER!

 Jace celebrating 4th of July

Audrey on her 1st day of Pre-K

My babies are getting so big! Jace took his first steps one week ago today, finally! We are so proud of him. Audrey thinks it's so neat, and now she wants him to say "Audrey" next. She started Pre-K last week, and she loves it. Her teacher says she has a good day every day and always has a smile on her face. :) She is such a good girl. My babies are getting too big, yesterday marked two years since I got my positive pregnancy test with Jace, which is just crazy to me. It feels like I was just hurting so deeply a few months ago.

Another thing that has happened in our family is my husband getting a promotion. We have been very lazy about getting our house ready to sell (he works an hour and fifteen minutes away), but now we absolutely need to! We are hoping to put the house on the market in a few weeks, but we assume it will take at least a few months to sell because of our area and the time of year. We are just so excited to be able to move and start a new chapter in our life together as a family. 

We feel like everything has finally come together. Ever since Jace was born, everything has been so peaceful. I love seeing Audrey so happy to finally have a sibling to play with, they love each other so much and seeing that makes my heart melt. I'm so glad it finally happened for me, and that I did put a lot of my "joy" into having another child. He was worth it all. My two babies mean the world to me and fighting for them was worth it.

...no matter what ANYONE tells you.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness - it has been one of the main topics at our church. Almost every sermon lately, our pastor speaks about forgiveness.  Our hearts need it - how can we truly be close to God if we are full of bitterness and anger? The one big thing that has me confused, is that I believed God says we should always forgive. However, from reading through the Bible, I now know that it is not always the case. God does not expect us to forgive someone who has hurt us over and over.

The truth is, there is one person I cannot seem to forgive, even though I have been told by several people throughout my life that I forgive "too easily". How do you forgive someone who isn't sorry? How do you forgive someone that you KNOW will hurt you again? That wants to compete with everything in your life? That has a snarky or uncalled for comment ready for every interaction? That has hurt you more than anyone else has ever hurt you? That ENJOYS hurting you? God has been speaking to me lately about forgiveness. But my heart is also telling me not to forgive someone that I will have to turn around and forgive for other things continuously. I can not put myself into a never-ending painful situation. Nobody should.

Too many times I have told people the situation, asked them for advice, and gotten annoyed at the answer because it is simply not possible for me to do. I've been told to completely cut this person out of my life, but unfortunately, unless I want to hurt other people, I just can't do it unless something else major happens. I have been told by several people that this person is truly toxic, sounds like a narcissist, and that they are not healthy for me to be around. I don't disagree.

God says to forgive. But He doesn't say "Forgive the person who will continue hurting you, and continue forgiving". God does not want us to hurt. In Romans 16:17, God says "I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them." While I cannot completely cut this person out of my life, I can and should continue to avoid them. I do not have to be around a mean person who wears the mask of a good person. Do you know what else God says? He says we do not need to FORGIVE truly unrepentant people. But we can also choose to forgive, and let them go, for us.

It is NOT a sin to protect yourself. God wants me to live in peace. I will forgive, only for myself and God. But I will not allow myself, or my family, to be mistreated, to be competed with, to be insulted. You can forgive, and then wash your hands of evil, fake, cold-hearted people. Get rid of your anger and bitterness, forgive. Then, get rid of those who hurt you.

{ Labor & Delivery }

{Jace is born}

The next morning at 7am I woke up to painful contractions...again. But this time they felt different! Audrey came in the room that morning and kept nudging me, kicking me, and more while I was trying to rest and I just couldn't take it. I decided to shower and shave...just in case, because I felt different. A couple of hours later, I realized they hadn't gone away, and they were happening consistently. I just wanted to enjoy the day, and I was still scared that they would eventually go away. I noticed that they hurt worse while laying down, so I got up and started doing stuff around the house. We decided around 1pm that we were going to have a cook-out that night with my mom and her husband, so we went to the grocery store to shop. After that, I went home and tried to rest. I started *really* timing them, but there wasn't a super consistent pattern. They would be about 8 minutes apart, then 5, then 3, back to 5... At about 4pm, I realized that I couldn't even sleep between them, and I was pretty sure that they were hurting worse. I texted my doula to tell her that I was 99% sure that today was THE DAY.

While my husband started cooking, my mom had me in Jace's nursery asking me where she should hang some shelves. I knew then that this was the real deal. I couldn't pay attention to what she was saying, and I didn't want to. I was trying really hard not to show that I was hurting a lot because I didn't want to jinx it. I finally just told her. We ate dinner and they were getting ready to leave, and told us if we needed them in the middle of the night to call and we could drop Audrey off at their hotel. At this point it was around 7pm. At that moment I knew that I needed to have them take her then, because I didn't know what this labor would be like. After all, it was pretty much my first experience, with no memory of Audrey's. So we packed her stuff and they took her! 

Guys, words can't even describe how excited I was. In LABOR. My body...it did what it was supposed to do. I was contracting. Around the time they left, they started getting even MORE intense, and since I had no idea what to expect, I decided we had better just start getting ready to go. Clayton showered, and I smiled through my contractions even though they hurt, because I was just so happy. We packed, I talked to my doula on the phone, and she said she would meet us at the hospital.

We got there a little after 10pm and were sent to triage. The nurse checked me and said I was 1-2cm and 80% effaced. I was surprised. After 13 days that were filled of nights/mornings of painful contractions, and being in labor for 15 hours already, and all that was different was some thinning? I went with it, and laid there for an hour laboring while they had me hooked up to the monitor. When the hour was up, the nurse checked me and no change. At this point, I was shocked. They told me I could either go home, walk the halls for another hour and be checked again, or go walk elsewhere and come back in an hour or whenever I wanted. We decided that going home would be pointless, so we walked. They definitely got more intense as I walked. With each contraction, I had to stop and hold on to the handrails and sway or squat to get through them. Towards the end of the hour, I was trying to moan through a few. 

They checked me again at the end of the hour and I just knew I'd be going to the park or something to walk at 2 in the morning. But I was 2.5-3cm! It wasn't much, but it was change, so they admitted me at 1:15. We got to the room and I labored for a while and it was just instantly incredibly painful. I tried laboring on the toilet, on the bed, off the bed, squatting, with a peanut ball on the bed...I couldn't even decide what helped the pain, because nothing really did. My lower back was burning so hot, there was what felt like a big ball in the front that also burned. It felt like fire. The nurse came and checked on me once because I was so loud, and at another point I started crying and saying I couldn't do it. My doula thought I was already in transition, so she requested that someone check me at about 4:30. I was only 4cm. At this point I was scared, because the pain was ridiculous. I'm usually really good with pain. I've had headaches and migraines my entire life, and I actually like shots and getting my blood drawn. I honestly felt like I was in transition. I felt like a wimp, but at this point I asked the nurse when I could get an epidural, knowing it could be a while. She told me the anesthesiologist would be in surgery for an hour to an hour and a half. (So 5:15-5:45). I told her that would be fine and I could wait that long, but inside I was like "Someone just come get this baby out of me NOW". I told her to order it.

I couldn't even think straight after that point. I was loud, squeezing my doula's hands, squeezing my husband's hands. They were both falling asleep between my contractions and trying to get me to, but I couldn't. They hurt too much, and they were in a weird pattern. I'd get one, have an extremely short break, and then two right on top of each other, repeat. I had the peanut ball between my legs squeezing as hard as I could with my legs, and squeezing their hands as hard as I could as well. 

At 6:15, the nurse came and told me that the anesthesiologist was taking longer than expected, and she checked me again. I was 7cm. I honestly thought I was going to die. The burning was still just so intense. At about 7:00, they finally got the epidural in (after two freaking tries). Getting the epidural was fine, I don't have a fear of needles at all, but sitting still during my contractions was absolute torture. I had to hold on to everyone in front of me and squeeze to be still, but I was still moaning. I'm pretty sure I sounded like a laboring cow instead of a human.

Finally, FINALLY, the angel, I mean anesthesiologist, was done. I went through another set of my three butthole contractions and the nurse checked me again and...complete. Guys, I got an epidural while I was freaking FULLY DILATED AND DONE WITH THE DAMN THING. Looking back, I remember how bad I was hurting, but I really wish that they would have checked me one more time before they gave me the epidural. If they'd told me I was 9cm, I think MAYBE someone could have talked me out of it.

Jace still hadn't dropped at this point, so my (amazing) nurse put me in the Trendelenburg position and after that he dropped lower. Once I was able to relax, I realized that it was morning, the day had started, and that meant my OB was back! This little guy waited until the perfect moment to show up.  I started pushing, and after a few practice pushes, we all realized that my water hadn't been broken, and I never had it gush or anything. He went to break my water and pretty much nothing came out. They kept looking for it and I think finally saw maybe the tiniest trickle. Looking back, I had been wet during the past few days, especially the day I went into true labor, but it only felt a little more than normal. Now I'm pretty sure I had a slow leak, and that's why my contractions felt so incredibly intense so early on.

I pushed for over an hour, probably much closer to two. I had pushed the epidural button again because I was still feeling a lot of burning. Looking back, I probably should have just pushed through the burning, because I think that was why I pushed for so long, I just couldn't feel it. But when he decided to finally come out, he flew out. All 6 pounds, 12 ounces of the little guy. It was the most amazing moment, watching him come out. He peed on my doctor, he pooped on me right when they laid him on my chest, but it was the most amazing moment of my life. I got to hold my baby as soon as he came out. Not a nurse. I got to keep holding him for as long as I wanted. *I* got to see him, he didn't go to the nursery for my family to see and hear before I could experience it like Audrey did. 

But for now, back to the delivery and healing. Everyone had been telling me to "push just like that" for the last few contractions, so I was pushing incredibly hard. Apparently, I pushed way too hard, because I tore. Not only did I tear, but I tore 12+ times. My OB stitched me up for over two hours, and one of the nurses joked that I basically ended up with another c-section, just elsewhere. The healing was awful. I couldn't really walk, and when I got home I had to sit on a boppy pillow for 2+ weeks. I had intense pressure and pain while walking for 5.5 weeks. It was ridiculous. I know I counted about 30 stitches come out, that I *saw*. I don't know how many were down there, and honestly, I'm not sure that I would want to know! Yikes.

After all that though, I still am so happy that I got my VBAC, and that I finally have my sweet rainbow baby. He was so, so incredibly tiny when he came out, and his little cry was just quiet and timid. It was instant love!

The Last Days Before Labor {jace's birth story part 1}

On Monday, May 2nd, I had my last OB appointment. I was 1.5-2cm, and 50% thinned. I was kind of surprised, since I was almost due (39 weeks 2 days). By that time with Audrey I was about 2cm/70%. After he checked me, I was hit with some pretty devastating news. My OB's wife had scheduled a cruise for their anniversary the next week. Normally it would be fine, but that was the week I was due, and I seriously do not trust any other doctors in our area. All of my "he will come when he is ready" thoughts went out the window. I immediately got sad because I felt like he had to come that week, or my VBAC was not even a possibility anymore. I knew if I went into labor after Thursday night, that there was an excellent chance that I would get an impatient OB, or one who would even refuse to let me labor, and would cut me open as soon as I walked in. Defeated, I scheduled my next appointment for his first day back, Monday May 16 (41 weeks 2 days) at 10:30am. My husband and I hoped and prayed he would come that week, or wait the two weeks. My mom flew in from Detroit a few hours after my appointment, so while waiting for her, we shopped and did a lot of walking around a local park. Nothing, of course.

The next day, I had a little big of mucus plug come out, just tiny little pieces. I didn't lose it with Audrey, but I was pretty sure that was what it was. I was excited and hoping to see more! The day after that, I lost the rest, and it was...disgusting. I was of course still riveted. I got super excited and just knew I would go into labor soon. Around that time, I started having a lot of pressure in my back during my Braxton Hicks contractions. A few days after that, I started having painful contractions off/on every night and morning, but they always tapered off. I tried eating dates, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, taking some evening primrose oil, sex, squats, walking, bouncing on my ball, relaxing,eggplant parmesan, pizza with tons of basil/oregano etc. on it, pressure points...the list goes on. Nothing.

My due date came and went. I continued to have painful contractions every night in bed and some in the morning. Since my mom was visiting, she helped with Audrey, and I got to sleep in some, bounce a lot on my ball, and watch Friends on Netflix. I texted my doula, Danielle, a lot. Eventually, I reached 41 weeks, and I watched every second for blood, wished every minute for my water to break (but at the same time, hoping he would stay in just a bit longer). Nothing happened. Saturday night, at 41 weeks and 1 day, I decided to try the very last thing. Pineapple. I brought it home, and around midnight, I got it out and went to cut it up when I realized my big butcher knife was dirty. I started whining and pitched a "Forget it, it wasn't going to work anyway" fit. My husband pulled out a (clean) pocket knife and cut it up for me after that, and we went to bed to watch tv shows while I ate my pineapple. All I felt was indigestion, which I'd had the week before after eating something. I went to sleep annoyed, but knew it was for the best since my OB was still on vacation for approximately 36 more hours.

(to be continued)

Life

Wow! I cannot believe I haven't been on in so long.

I did order a new laptop charger, but it came in an incorrect size. I finally got the other one a few weeks ago. We have just had so much going on! I *will* get to my birth story...eventually.

Jace is 4 months old now, and a week ago today he weighed 16 lbs 2 oz and he was 26 inches long.

I am so happy to say that while we have been extremely busy, I cannot use post-partum depression as an excuse for not updating! I was very depressed with Audrey, and with Jace, I did not have this issue! It has been absolutely amazing to be able to enjoy my baby. I feel like our entire labor and delivery experience is most of the reasoning for that. I went into labor on my own, nine days late, and had him ten days over. 

Jace was our VBAC rainbow baby. I am still so proud of myself for succeeding at a VBAC, but I know I couldn't have done it without Clayton, my doula Danielle, or Dr. Haraway. I had so much amazing support during his pregnancy and birth. I did tear (...a lot, but more on that later) but the experience was still so much better than with Audrey's c-section. The hospital stay was a lot better as well.

So, I promise the birth story is coming! Until then...more pictures!

He's here!!!

Our baby boy, Jace, arrived on 5/16/16, ten days late. I've been meaning to write our birth story here, but unfortunately my laptop charger is broken! We have also obviously been very busy :)

Will post soon. But we are so in love with him! He's absolutely perfect.

Pregnancy Update

Holy cow!

I've been meaning to update this, but life has been seriously crazy lately. Audrey had a stomach virus in February (which was our least busy month and when I should have updated last). In March, our nephew was born three weeks early and spent ten days in the NICU (he's okay!). Our sweet cat, Copper, also passed away that day, which has been terrible. We got her right after we got married in 2011 and she was my first little baby. We also had a labor scare (more on that later), our baby shower, and Audrey's birthday party, and then the day after she had her party, she started getting sick. She's been sick all week and is finally better. It was scary, she ended up in the ER with a fever of 104.9, and we could barely keep her awake at all. She was almost admitted for extra blood work, a chest x-ray, and an IV due to being dehydrated and them not knowing what was wrong with her. Her flu swab was negative, and she didn't have strep or an ear infection. Thank goodness she is okay now. It was not fun, I've never seen her that miserable. She didn't even want to get up, she just wanted to lay down and sleep. Anyone who knows her, knows she does NOT nap!

 We've also been working on potty training, but it's not going so well since we've been so busy and she's been sick twice. Poor baby. She did really good until she got the stomach virus, and then she did great during the day until she got sick this last time. Now she freaks out anytime she has to use the potty because she got dehydrated and they were trying to make her pee in a hat for a urine sample and it scared her.

As for the update on baby boy, he seems to be doing great in there! At about 31 and a half weeks, we had a little labor scare. I had contractions 3 minutes apart for three hours. Only a few of them hurt, I felt mostly pressure down low. Right when I was about to call labor and delivery (it was midnight ish), they started fizzling out. I would have called sooner, but I get Braxton Hicks ALL the time. I have with both kiddos since about 16 weeks. I definitely found it odd this time though that I could time them. Luckily, everything has been great since then!

We still do not have a name for the little guy, sadly. However, his nursery is starting to come along. We've painted his room, and we have the glider in there. We also have his changing table/dresser. Today I washed all of his blankets, bibs, burp cloths, socks, washcloths, and newborn to 3 months clothes and got it all put up. We still have a lot to do though!

It's getting late, but I'll put a few pictures up :)

xoxo

That "Look".

I am thrilled to be pregnant - obviously. Don't get me wrong.

However, sometimes I feel guilty. For instance, two days ago, I was out shopping for Audrey's birthday party decorations. I had Audrey with me, and was trying to keep her close to me while looking around, which wasn't easy since I'm 26 weeks pregnant and she is a wild almost three year old who had already been to several other stores.

I was walking around and kept making eye contact with this couple, especially the woman. They looked to be in their early to mid-thirties, and didn't have a child with them. The woman kept staring at Audrey and my belly, and she looked sad. I have absolutely no way of knowing if it was because they were having trouble, but it reminded me so much of the look I always had on my face when I was struggling. It broke my heart. I just wanted to hide my belly. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Things like that hurt so much. I could easily have been misreading the situation, but I just kept thinking "This woman is looking at me thinking I'm a fertile myrtle, and to her I may be, but I just want to tell her I'm not. This wasn't easy for me. " I wanted to hug her.

I feel sad every time I post about my pregnancy on Facebook, every time I post a belly picture or ultrasound picture. I know there are a few people that probably get sad anytime they see me or someone else post about being pregnant or about our babies. I still post because I'm excited, and everyone else always did it. But I always try not to say anything like "I'm so lucky", or "I'm so blessed". I have said "I'm so thankful", "I can't wait to meet him", etcetera. But I always try not to word things in a bragging way. I also would never be upset at someone for hiding me from Facebook if I was hurting them. Been there, done that.

It is amazing how I can still relate so much to the infertile/miscarriage community, and even though I have one living child, and am pregnant again, I still remember the pain so well. I still feel like I'm there, it feels like just yesterday I was bitter as can be.

I hope I can always remember, so that I can always be empathetic. Having healthy babies isn't something everyone gets to experience. I really am so incredibly thankful for this hard journey for that one reason. It allows me to truly realize how special this all really is. I will never take my babies for granted.

January news :)

Things have been going great around here!

I will be 25 weeks in two days, and I am feeling wonderful! A lot has happened in the past five weeks. We hired a doula, we've had a big talk with my OB, and we have a date set for our "baby sprinkle". It all feels so real finally!

Our doula seems amazing so far. I inquired about a few, but when I came across her profile, I just had a feeling that she was "the one". I looked up her blog and I saw that she has experienced pregnancy loss, and had some of the same feelings that I did in her pregnancy after loss. I really felt, and still feel, like I need someone who has been there. We met with her for the initial consult, and my husband liked her just as much as I did. We have quite a few other things in common as well, so I really think she will be a good fit for us.

My first OB, the one who delivered Audrey, was supposed to be the most "natural" in the area. I should have known better when I hit 39 weeks and he started talking c-section just because she hadn't dropped yet. He did "let" me go to 41 weeks before he induced me, but pushed that c-section really quick. My new OB told me he has no problems waiting until 42 weeks for any patient, VBAC or not, as long as there are no issues like dangerously high blood pressure or something else. He also said that instead of scheduling a repeat cesarean if I haven't went into labor, he will try safe ways to induce me. I'm so happy!

Our baby shower (or sprinkle) is going to be March 13th. I'll be just over 32 weeks!

In other news, Bubbie (baby's name, because he is nameless as of now) has finally flipped head down for now. I'm sure he will play around some more before he flips for good, but he has been breech for weeks now. Audrey has also learned how to write the letter "A". :) I'm so proud of her!!!

I'm so excited to start on Bubbie's nursery soon! We are going with a rustic theme. It's going to be perfect.

20 weeks pregnant

Wow! Today is the 20-week mark!

So far, everything is going great. I'm finally starting to feel better, although I still have to take nausea meds. When I forget, I do still feel sick all day. I also am still having terrible headaches. As much as both of those things suck, I definitely prefer it to not being pregnant. It's worth it.

All I've been doing is soaking up baby kicks. I will almost certainly never experience this again, so I just want to remember all of it. With Audrey, I enjoyed it, but I never thought I would be faced with the things I was faced with after having her. After going through infertility and/or losses, it definitely changes you completely. I just want to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, from here on out.

On the topic of never experiencing this again, this will be our second living child (knock on wood). My husband and I tossed around the idea of three kids early on in our relationship and marriage. Back when we were beginning to try for baby #2, I was still kind of wanting three kids. After going through what we did, I definitely don't want another child. I don't want to experience loss again, I don't want to try anymore. It is just way too much, physically and emotionally. I truly commend the women who have several losses, even stillbirths, and keep trying. I know I wouldn't be able to handle much more than what I did. The strength some women have just amazes me.

I've already had several people ask me if we are having another, and even when I say we are done, a lot of them still make jokes with me like "you never know, you'll probably end up with an accident", or "you'll decide to have another". The jokes about having an accident are fine (although I deem that unlikely), but when people act like I just have no clue what I'm talking about when I say we won't try for a number three? No, we *know* we don't want to go through this again! At this point in time, the only reason I would possibly try again for another is if something happened to this baby, and that is still a big maybe.

So it is crazy knowing I am half-way through this pregnancy, and I will almost certainly never experience baby kicks, hiccups again after next May. It's quite sad, but I'm thankful that I've been able to experience it at all, because some women never do. I am definitely not taking this for granted.

It's a...

BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it! My husband and I both really thought he was a girl. But then again, we thought Audrey was a boy. So I guess I am just really one of those people who just has no idea on something like that! HAHA!

I'm still kind of shocked, to be honest. I also just always imagined myself as a girl mom, especially since having Audrey. I love headbands, pink, the cute girl clothes, everything. Not to mention, I've always wanted a sister, so I thought it would be so amazing to have two daughters who could experience the sisterly bond (hopefully, lol).

However, I also did want a boy. At the daycares I worked at, all of my favorite little babies and toddlers were boys except for one. I know I will enjoy him. But I am still really surprised, I think I am still in shock!!! 

He is silly already and he definitely wants me to know everything is okay in there...

When the tech told us it was a boy, I said "Did you hear that, Audrey? It's a boy!". She said "It's a boy!? Ooooooh, I like!!" Still, she isn't quite sure what is going on, but I bet she will understand a bit more soon. We are excited to watch her be a big sister and are so happy that this is finally happening!!!

Oh, and a bump pic...yesterday at 16 weeks and 1 day!

We are having another ultrasound sometime at the end of December, so hopefully I'll have another cute ultrasound pic or two then. Yesterday, she said he seems to like laying with his feet on my bladder, aka breech. Which makes sense, because he kicks me sometimes near my belly where I can feel it well, but he mostly likes to flutter and move around down low. Hopefully he finds a different position he likes as he grows :) 

All is well!

I have been terrible with updating this blog. I definitely need to be better about it!

Today, I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am finally in the second trimester, and I'm so happy. I'm feeling some movement, which is the best part of pregnancy for me. It still seems kind of crazy that I am still pregnant. Not only am I still pregnant, but in thirteen days, we find out if this baby is a BOY or a GIRL. I'm freaking out! I think I might actually be more excited to see the baby again than to find out what it is, which is kind of funny.

I'll update as soon as we find out what this little jelly bean is, with an ultrasound photo *and* a belly picture!

Love.

I think it is starting to finally hit me that this might just be it, our rainbow baby. I'm 10 weeks and 5 days, and I bought a new doppler on Saturday. Guess what? I've heard a beautiful heartbeat every single day. I've just been amazed. There is an actual baby in there, already swimming away from the doppler and being ornery.

 I went to Target last week and spent a while walking through the baby section by myself. Guys, you have no idea how many times I've walked through there in the past year and a half and just wanted to weep. Sometimes I did tear up. Target is always full of pregnant women, rubbing their bumps, laughing, smiling, registering for their showers, and throwing baby things in their baskets. I almost started crying this time, touching everything, because I'm still in disbelief that so far, this baby seems healthy, and I may be able to seriously buy baby stuff soon. I could be one of those pregnant women again.

I was in the tenth week last pregnancy when I started having pinkish, yellow and brown spotting. It was very light, and most people won't have noticed that it was an off color. According to our first ultrasound, I was 11 weeks when we had our second and the baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days. So it feels amazing to know that I'm almost eleven weeks and this baby is still in there thriving. I'm so in love with this little baby. Just like I've loved all my babies. But this one I'm feeling a deep connection with. I just feel so much love right now, and my pain is slowly going away. I know it won't ever disappear, but I can already feel this baby just helping my heart so much. I know it sounds ridiculous.

Okay, enough cheesiness for today. :)

I'd have to say one of the hardest things so far this pregnancy (besides the general worries) has been due date groups. I've read several posts about how their friend or sister miscarried or is having trouble conceiving, and the hateful tone and rude comments have appalled me. I haven't gotten into any arguments, but it is so sad that my opinion is always ignored by the rude ones. Luckily I have been backed up by a couple of women, but it is always women who went through infertility and or loss as well. Some of the things I've read:

 1) "My friend and I were pregnant and due the same week and she had a miscarriage. I've tried texting and calling her but she says she doesn't want to talk right now and she needs space. Obviously I've lost a friend, she's being ridiculous. What do I do?" The worst reply? "She sounds like a terrible friend. Drop her, if she can't get over it and be happy for you then she's not worth your time. I'd cut ties with her". The poster AGREED. Disgusting. I tried to explain to them that miscarriages are far from easy and she's mourning. The fact that she was due the same time as her made it a thousand times worse, because seeing her and talking to her reminds her of what she lost and should have. I told her to just give her space and tell her she's sorry and she loves her. The poster was like "well she's being a bad friend and doesn't want me to text her so I don't think so".

2) "My friend is having trouble getting pregnant and posted the other day that if she sees one more pregnancy announcement she's going to lose it. What do I do? I'm going to post my announcement this week." (My advice was to message her and say you wanted to give her a heads up, and that you're thinking about her and just didn't want to upset her even more since she saw her post about it. Someone had said that it sounded stupid and so I also tried to explain why pregnancy announcements hurt those dealing with infertility). Stupid comment (luckily not as bad as the one above about miscarriage): "If someone can't be happy when they see a friend's pregnancy announcement then that is their problem. If it hurts her, it hurts her. Nothing to do with you. Don't worry about it"

It just really breaks my heart that so many people have a "get over it" attitude with miscarriage and infertility. You have those people that will be blunt and let you know that they don't care about anyone else's problems, and you have those people that say they care but have a bad attitude deep down. I know it is hard to think about infertility and loss when you're pregnant and trying to be happy, believe me, but dang. I don't understand why so many people are so harsh and hateful. I've experienced so much nastiness personally and just by reading comments on articles and posts...it's sick.

So with that, I say...be the good you would like to see in the world, people. Say good things. Help people. Care for people. Everyone is fighting SOME kind of battle, just because you don't understand it, don't think it would be very hard, whatever...have some empathy. Love one another.

OMG!!!!!

You guys!!!

There is a tiny, adorable baby in my uterus. Every time I look at this picture, I just melt.

Someone pinch me! I AM SO EXCITED!!! This might really happen! I could have a baby next spring, in my arms! I could be feeling flutters in a month or two! I could be buying baby clothes around Christmas time. Audrey could really be getting a little brother or sister.

My baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days today with a due date of May 6th. This is two days further along than my ovulation estimation and one day further along than my "pregnancy test" estimation (a darker bfp than what I expected at 8dpo). In other words, absolutely perfect. We still didn't get to hear a heartbeat, but we saw the heart beating away and he said it looks as healthy as can be. We get to listen to the heartbeat next time but I will be trying my doppler a few times before then just to see if I can get lucky.

I just cannot get over this. I was so nervous this morning, but my baby is growing and looks perfect. I love it so much. I kept myself a bit detached but today that all changed, so everything better go good from here on out! I'm in love!!!!

{Almost} 8 week update

So, last week, I went ahead and called my OB because I was worried.

He told me to come in for an ultrasound, but we really didn't learn much. It went okay. I really don't know what exactly to think or feel, so I am really trying to stay on the positive side of things.

The good news is that there was a baby there, and that baby had a heartbeat. The not so great news was that the baby measured 6 weeks and 2 days when I should have been measuring 6 weeks and 4/5 days (ovulation says 6w4d, but I got a pretty good line at 8dpo that would have shown up at 7dpo for sure, so I've been thinking 6w5d and an early implantation). My OB also did not measure the heart rate, so I don't know how that was, which sucks because that was our worry with Hope. At 6w4d, she measured 6w6d and her heart rate was low at 109.

My OB said the measurement had room for error this early, and another two friends told me there was a 5 day window of error and that any tiny difference in placement of measurements could put it a day or two off, easy. Also, my OB did it, and not an ultrasound tech, so there's that. I'm so hoping that we go in next Tuesday and that baby measures around 8w3d/8w4d, which is where I should be that day, with a super great, healthy heart rate!

I so, so want this little miracle rainbow so badly!

Symptoms:

Some faint nausea here and there on most days

Food cravings and aversions

Bloating

Constipation

Tender breasts

Pulling and a few cramps a week

Shooting pain while sneezing

Discomfort after big meals

LOTS of burping

Frequent urination
Fatigue

Here is our sweet baby, and my "bump" which is obviously mostly bloat, lol:

Try not to pay too much attention to the mess in my belly photo, this is our junk room right now while we declutter the house, so literally everything is just thrown in there right now!

I hope and pray that I have an absolutely wonderful update next week for you all! Come on baby #4!!!!

Still Pregnant

Today marks 6 weeks and 2 days.

(6 weeks, 3 days in a few hours).

So far, so good. I've had a couple of things that have scared me, and one thing that still is, but I'm trying to put it in the back of my mind. It's only two weeks until my ultrasound, and I'm going to go into that expecting the worst so that maybe I will be pleasantly surprised. An awful way of going about it, but probably the most wise decision. I've still tried to keep myself from becoming too attached to this pregnancy. I know I will still be upset if I miscarry, but maybe I won't become depressed if I don't let myself get attached.

I still have very tender boobs, and my nausea is closer to the nausea I had with Audrey than with my other pregnancies. I have had quite a few food aversions in the past week too. My blump (bloat bump) is already outrageous. I always look pregnant early on because of this.

Last week I had a terrible sinus infection. I stayed in bed all week long with a pounding head, no energy, and nausea. I felt awful. Besides the nausea and some fatigue, I'm feeling much better this week!!!

Hopefully I can update again soon, with GREAT news!

4 weeks 5 days

I am trying so hard to be positive about this pregnancy. It seems like one minute I'll feel very positive about it and the next minute I just feel super negative. It's hard after losses. People keep telling me "Oh stop thinking like that" and "Just don't think about it". Nobody saying these things to me would be able to take their own advice in my situation. I can't stand it when people act like I'm being stupid for worrying.

I decided to compile a list of good/bad things so far.

 

The Good:

~ My tests are still very dark.

~ I'm cramping some almost every day.

~ My boobs are insanely sore, more than the last two pregnancies.

~ I've gagged at smells for the past two mornings.

~ I've felt some "almost" nausea for about a week now, mostly after eating. Not what I would call sick yet.

 

The Bad:

~ I haven't actually felt nauseous. By this time with Audrey, I was VERY sick. With my first loss, I never got sick, and with my second loss, I had very faint nausea.

~ My dark tests are very, very dark, which most people don't see as bad, but with my last pregnancy, it was.

~ My last test was a bit more faint than the exact same brand of test I took two days prior.

~ My progesterone that I am taking could be giving me the symptoms that I do have.

 

 

Everyone keeps telling me not to compare pregnancies, but there is really no way not to. I will say that this pregnancy feels much more like my pregnancy with Audrey than the other two did, except for the lack of morning sickness. Everyone keeps telling me that not everyone gets morning sickness, and I know that, but in *my* experience, with *my* pregnancies, I've only carried to term when I was sick.

 

I hate that my ultrasound isn't until I am 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Still SO far off. I hope that I make it to then, and I hope everything looks great then. I keep hoping that I wake up to morning sickness, but so far it hasn't happened yet. Hopefully soon. I really am trying to stay positive, but if I don't get sick in the next few days I'm really not going to have much hope for this pregnancy at all. I'm doing my very best not to get attached.

11dpo update

Early pregnancy is seriously so nerve-wracking.

I used to worry about the test line not darkening fast enough, now I worry about it darkening too fast. With Sunny, after a week or so, they started darkening less. With Hope, they darkened very fast, and when I got my HCG levels, they went from 43 to 187 in 48 hours...more than quadrupling. I don't remember where I read it, but I read somewhere later on that levels rising that fast was a sign of something wrong (blighted ovum, molar pregnancy) but that it could also mean a chromosomal abnormality of some kind. Then again, it could just be normal, or it could be multiples. Here is the pic of Monday (8dpo) and today (11dpo) both FMU.

 

Obviously the line has gotten much darker, but I really don't know if that is normal or not. Having issues with Hope has made this so much harder. Luckily, that was my last pregnancy test. So I won't be taking anymore, I'm just going to sit back and let the pregnancy progress. I've got sore boobs, so my body knows it is pregnant. I just hate not truly feeling pregnant!

My OB put me on progesterone, so I'm on that, taking 5mg of methylfolate on top of the 1mg in my prenatal vitamin, taking DHA, my daily baby aspirin, and my synthroid. I'm trying literally everything I can to make sure that this pregnancy works out. If it doesn't, I will know that I did everything that I could. But I am trying to stay positive, and overall I have a good feeling about this one.

I'm due on May 8, Mother's Day!

It's Test Day...

I hate test day so much, because it is filled with so much sadness when the test is negative. There is just so much disappointment. I always start testing too early, too. It sucks.

During the last month, I have considered doing a vlog on YouTube. I love watching these women take tests every month, it gets me excited and I always end up crying for them! It has just always seemed so fun, although time-consuming.

 

 

It turns out, it's too late to start a vlog, because I'm very cautiously expecting!

 

 

 

 

 

I really can't believe it, I wasn't expecting this at all this month. I felt really out because of our timing, but I guess this just shows that my husband's swimmers are not the problem! I'm married to a fertile myrtle, ya'll!!! I am 8dpo according to my chart, and 10dpo according to fertile signs. My chart shows that there is no way I am 10dpo though because of my temperatures, but I don't know, these tests are faint but in person are a darker than any 8dpo test I have ever taken. I could have definitely gotten squinters to show up yesterday.

 

We are due May 8. My first appointment is in a month and we will have an ultrasound. My OB is calling me in some progesterone, which is good. My level was only 13 on Friday. That is higher than what it was with Audrey at that point in time, but not by much. I've always heard that they want it above 20 in a clomid cycle, and it isn't there.

 

I am hoping everything works out with this pregnancy, and I'm feeling very optimistic! No stress this time around!!!! Please let this be our rainbow!



P.S. If you have me on Facebook, please do not say anything. We plan to announce after our ultrasound if everything goes well. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please!