Due Date #1

My sweet Sunny was due today. I hard a really emotional day yesterday but so far today I have only cried once! I don't really feel like typing so I will just add pictures today. The top one is something my husband gave me. The bottom two are part of my Facebook post.

Also, unfortunately last night I took a pregnancy test and there was definitely a squinter there. Even my husband could see it. We got excited, hoping that we would wake up this morning to a rainbow baby bfp. Unfortunately, the line is even lighter, just a shadow. All lines were there before the time limit and gradually faded out after the time linit. I am not sure if it is a chemical or what, but it is still sad. I really hope next month is it for us.

A bit of hope.

I called another OB last Friday and I got an appointment!

I am excited, to say the least. However, I know it is very likely that I will be told the same thing by him. It is worth a try, though. My appointment is April 7th, so if I have my 11 day luteal phase I will be on cycle day 24. If I ovulate normally around cd18, I will be about 6dpo. So if he agrees to the lovenox, it will come just in time!

I am 7dpo today. My temps are still a bit low this cycle, most likely due to cold weather and it being post-d&c. I really doubt I will be pregnant this cycle. As much as I would love to be, I am kind of scared. Okay, really scared. However, it would be great to be pregnant next month (assuming we will still be on the same insurance) because we will save a lot of money since we have met our deductible. Assuming it is a healthy pregnancy. It would also be good because I will have had a month to get my homocysteine levels down even a bit. However, I would have to have gotten really lucky to get pregnant on the second try. I will take what I can get. It isn't in my hands.

My due date with Sunny, my first angel, is this Friday. I'm sure I will be a mess...bit I am hoping that somehow it isn't as bad as I am expecting it to be. It is definitely sad. I really hoped I would be pregnant on this day, so that it would make it less painful. Now, of course, there will be even more pain since we have lost another baby and we know now it could have probably been prevented if somehow I had known about my MTHFR defect.

Oh! Also - on my old labs, I saw that they checked my progesterone level at 7dpo...which was just a few days before my bfp with my living child, Audrey. It was 7. Which is low. I'm not sure how I had her. But I am glad we are adding progesterone suppositories next time.

❤ Until next time!

No luck so far...

Yesterday, I called another OB office (I had two names constantly recommended to me in a Facebook post I made) and inquired about a consultation. They just happened to be in the same office. The receptionist was awesome! The office I am currently with is so busy that no receptionist has ever spent any more time on the phone with me than necessary. It is rush, rush, rush, all the time. "Please hold" etc. This receptionist actually talked to me and even told me to tell her what was going on to see if she had any idea of how to help me. Unfortunately, she didn't, but she did say she couldn't believe my doctor wasn't even looking into it for me.

She also told me that Doctor #1, the OB who apparently deals with a lot of high risk patients, is completely booked through October with OB patients. Even if he could get me in for GYN, I couldn't use him as a doctor. Doctor #2 was also highly recommended, but he isn't taking GYN patients, only OB, so she told me I could call back as soon as I got a BFP. Sigh. I didn't think of this until a few minutes ago, but part of me considered asking if I could get in to see Doctor #1 for my yearly in two months, and then bring this up and see if he can speak to Doctor #2 for me. But then again, he may not even agree with the correct treatment either, although I think he is my best bet. However, this office has a) a sweet receptionist, b) awesome nurses, and c) an online charting system that I can use to view labs and leave messages to my nurse and doctor.

I also had a Doctor #3 to call, however I had some mixed reviews on him. He closed early yesterday due to inclement weather and is also closed today, so I will have to try tomorrow. I have a friend that really likes him, but agrees that he isn't very personable. She did say he is intelligent, focused, and super kind, and that his nurse is super sweet as well and answers messages quickly. However, the person who told me that has never had any issues with miscarriage or any other pregnancy complications. The person who made me nervous has had two losses and used him for one of them, and she said he was very blunt and made her even more upset. I really don't want a lot of sympathy, but if I have another miscarriage, I don't want someone to make me hurt even more. I'm not sure about this guy, but I am willing to meet him and see. I just worry, because a lot of times doctors will act one way and then later on act another.

Lastly, I called my nurse. I hate talking to her. She wasn't rude this time, just rushed (as always). She was at home yesterday since my OB does surgeries on Wednesday's. She told me that my OB doesn't ever prescribe a blood thinner, and if he does, it is only baby aspirin. She kind of hinted that he has maybe prescribed lovenox before, but made it apparent that it wasn't in my situation. I'm just not thrilled...it isn't hard to read two paragraphs on my lab work about my condition and gather that something further should be done. She did agree to checking my homocysteine levels (which are what need to be checked to see if I need the blood thinner), but told me to wait until I got pregnant. That doesn't make any sense. Also, what does it matter, if they won't prescribe a blood thinner even if it shows I need one? It just doesn't make any sense at all.

I'm going to try Doctor #3, and then go from there. I'm really worried that I won't be able to find a doctor who will manage this appropriately and that I will be "winging" the next pregnancy. I only hope that baby aspirin and progesterone will be enough in addition to my new supplements. Baby aspirin didn't help me last time, but maybe folate/b vitamins and progesterone will?

Always get copies of your labs, ladies...

Yesterday, I went to get a copy of my lab work. I have never done that before, but with so many things on the test, I felt like I needed to. I also just really felt like I needed to look at it myself.

I am pretty angry. I really like my doctor, but I am not very happy with them at the moment and am seriously considering switching out of their office completely. He is actually the third doctor I have used in that office. The first one I used for a gynecologist, but he was going to stop delivering babies starting three months before I was due, so I had to switch out.. The second one was sweet but super busy. I had an issue in my one full-term pregnancy and they basically just let me hurt because they were too busy to call me back and I almost ended up in L&D. Then that doctor also rushed my c-section (I still feel it was very unnecessary, as do my mother and MIL, who both have medical experience), and then blew off my PPD. That is when I switched to the doctor I am using now.

They're all in the same office, and this office is extremely busy, and I am honestly sick of it. I know if you're someone with super easy pregnancies with no issues, they would be fine. But I will be honest - I feel like a number. The only doctor that always got back to me immediately was my gynecologist. He always called me back himself, never had his nurse do it. He thoroughly explained lab results, spent time asking me questions and listening to my answers, etc.

So anyway, I got my lab results yesterday. Everything on there except for one thing was as they said, negative, which is really good. However:

1) The lab work has all of my information at the top, and one of the things it includes is when it was entered into the system both times - with what to test for, and the results. Apparently, my results were received at 5pm on February 19th. I never got a phone call. Instead, they made me wait an entire week until *I* called them. That makes me feel like I'm not important to them. They would have been calling any pregnant woman immediately with the results of their blood work. Plus, I had told the nurse when she ordered my blood work that I only had a few synthroid pills left, and needed a refill. Instead of ordering it through our local lab which would have results the next day, she sent it out knowing it would take a week. I called her on the 16th and found that out (she told me it would probably be another week), so she knew I was needing it. Yet she made me wait another week after they received it. Very unprofessional.

2) The only thing "wrong" with me. High homocysteine levels, right? Wrong. My homocysteine levels were not even checked. However, they did test me for MTHFR. I have been assuming that I have this, and they hinted that I did on the phone, but didn't come out and say it. I am homozygous MTHFR C677T. Which is one of the worst combos to have, apparently. It means I am at risk for blood clots during pregnancy. Why didn't they just tell me what I have? Also, on the note, it says I am at a higher risk for recurrent pregnancy loss, yet my nurse told me that my OB "doesn't feel like it causes miscarriages". The note also says to check my fasting homocysteine levels to see if I need a blood thinner or not. This was never mentioned to me, as they told me they were high. So they are just assuming I have high levels instead of doing the appropriate blood work to find out, which is pure laziness. I'm also not really happy, because they didn't mention a blood thinner on the phone, I just assumed I would be on one with this, but now after hearing this and putting 2 and 2 together, I'm pretty positive he will say he doesn't believe in it. I'll be finding that out for sure.

Basically, I am already feeling like I need to switch out of that office entirely and into an office that actually has time to take care of me and my babies. I'm not one of those people who is totally cool with having multiple miscarriages before she tries certain things out (that are already thought to be necessary with their issues). Who is? Everyone suffering from RPL wants a healthy baby. Why can't doctors actually do research and not lie to their patients? What is wrong with actually doing your job correctly?

Livid! To make matters worse, if I had known I had this specific form of MTHFR, I would not have been TTC this cycle. I would have waited at least one more month for all of the supplements to start building up. However, I am on cd23 today, and it looks as if I ovulated yesterday. We babydanced the two days prior to that. Just in case I didn't, we aren't babydancing anymore.

I had three days of positive OPK, and it turned negative today. My chart is hard to read because my temps are ALL over the place, but I will know tomorrow I guess. I still don't know whether to forgive my doctor and just call and tell them what's up, then see about lovenox, or just start "interviewing" other doctors. I really don't know.

the results are in!

We got our results from our RPL blood work in today, FINALLY. It is a long story but I won't go into details as it would take too long...

Basically, the only thing that came back abnormal was my homocysteine levels. They're high. I'm not sure how high, but she acted like they were pretty high. I am going to call back Monday and get a copy of all of that blood work. I really would feel more comfortable looking over it for myself just in case.

Anyway, what I was told is that it means I need to take folate, b6, and b12. I have been on prenatal vitamins for three years! In other words, we are pretty sure I have MTHFR meaning my body cannot easily absorb synthetic b vitamins. In August, I suspected this and began taking methylfolate on top of my prenatal. Now that I know I have this, I have to take a wholefoods prenatal and a homocysteine supplement. These all contain the natural forms of these vitamins so my body will be able to absorb them.

I have found a few women online who also suffer from RPL and have this exact same thing going on and so far they all have MTHFR. They have all messaged me and given me lots of info! It seems that high homocysteine levels cause miscarriages by a) higher risk of chromosomal abnormalities (if you have them because of lack of vitamins, namely folate, it can cause defects not compatible with life) and b) causing blood clots which of course can and do form in the uterus during pregnancy which kills off the placenta (that the baby needs).

So another thing that many women with high homocysteine levels need is a blood thinner.They didn't mention it, but I assume that is what will be done as that is what everyone else does. I took baby aspirin during my last pregnancy. Some women take that and lovenox (the blood thinner I mentioned above). So we will just have to see what happens. My plan is to test again when I get pregnant or in three months. Hopefully they will have went down!

Oh, and our house has also been hit by food poisoning! :( We all ate lasagna at my in-laws' house and all of us INCLUDING them were very sick yesterday. I am also on cd18 with no ovulation yet. Everything cervix-wise seemed very fertile today, but no positive opk. They've all been close to positive for a week now, I think they're kind of crappy opk's. But we will keep at it every other day until my temp rises! I am hoping tomorrow is O day! :)

Preparing for my Rainbow

This entry will just be a quick update. No interesting info here.

I went Friday to get blood work done. They ordered a recurrent pregnancy loss panel, cd3 blood work (I was cd4 which is still fine), and a few more tests including TSH and a glucose test as part of a test to see if I have PCOS. They told me I could call back today to find out afew of the results (most of them will take 2+ weeks), but unfortunately, we had a "snow day" here, so the office was closed. I'll edit this tomorrow with any blood work results they can give me. They took 13 vials. I do pretty good with getting blood drawn though. I've had it done so many times in the past year it's like nothing.

I am on cd7 today, and I took soy isoflavones at night starting on cd4 so I will do cd4-8. It really wouldn't surprise me if my blood work shows some sort of issue with LH and FSH, whether it shows PCOS or just maybe some kind of egg issue, I don't know. But if so, then I may be prescribed clomid which I would prefer over soy. Either way, I took soy with Audrey and she is the only full-term pregnancy I have had, so I'm using it as much as I need to. It just isn't great for your thyroid, so I am attempting a med bump and supplementing it with selenium and vitamin d - also looking into a zinc or magnesium supplement.

Basically we are on track for another pregnancy, I'm doing everything I can to make this next one work out and I am hoping so much that it does. I really am not sure if I can handle another loss...however the only way I can keep my mind off of my angels is to pour my heart and soul into readying my body for another. I'm also "dieting". I gained 8 pounds with Hope, I'm down 4 so far but I am going to keep losing until we get pregnant. I am 142 right now and ideally I would like to be between 125-135. I'm aiming for 125 if I don't achieve pregnancy by summer. I have been eating healthier for the most part and exercising. Jogging makes me feel so good! Listening to music while jogging frees my mind and the burn afterwards makes me feel great.

Come on, rainbow! We are ready for you!

Empathy.

I will start out by saying that we have all hurt people, myself included. That is life. Anyone who says they haven't hurt someone else's feelings is a liar - it doesn't matter if it was intentional or not. There is a line, and if anyone crosses it multiple times with me, I will no longer have any patience with them. Why? Because saying one or two things that hurt is one thing. If you keep on hurting me, I can no longer see it as accidental, and I know that is how pretty much anyone would be! I feel like a select few really enjoy feeling superior to others. A couple of people are rubbing salt in my wounds, and it no longer feels accidental. I don't think anyone should let others continually hurt them. It isn't acceptable - ever!

I know that *most* people I deal with do not understand what this situation feels like. It's hard to understand if you haven't been there - and even if you know someone who has, you still cannot fully grasp the pain, the huge hole in your heart, and your eyes filling with tears when you hear or read specific things. Sadly, a couple of the people who have said the most horrible things to me have had a miscarriage. It is like they have another child, or children, and they forget what it feels like, so they say the "wrong" thing. Let me tell you - after my first loss, my eyes were opened (even though I never would have said most of those things before the loss). After the second loss, that pain is even deeper and I feel like there is so much that is done and said, and I truly cannot even comprehend how some see it as okay.

So to the point - I won't type out super specific things that were said to me, but I have to use one as an example. The first thing that really hurt came the day that we found out we lost Hope. Our second miscarriage...in a row. MINUTES after I announced that loss (and just a few hours after finding out), I was immediately sent a message on Facebook with someone asking me for advice because she was pregnant (she hadn't announced it yet, so I didn't know, which felt like a slap in the face). 95% of the message was questions for me about my losses because she was worried, and of course she ended it with miscarriage being common and that the time wasn't right for me, even if I thought it was. Never mind I'd just had two in a row, which has about a 2-5% chance of happening, but she obviously didn't know that more than one in a row isn't common, especially at my age.

See what I mean? I would never say any of that to someone. Maybe that is why I get so upset. I've had a few people tell me that people don't know how to be empathetic if they haven't experienced it, but a few have and are still this way. It comes down to common sense, and some do not have any, apparently. I really do try to forgive and forget, and I have with some, but you can only forgive and forget so many times!

These are a few other things that I have heard that hurt deeply:

"I am SO incredibly blessed to be pregnant with this healthy baby": {Common pregnancy Facebook status. Any version of this. I LOATHE Facebook statuses that say "I am so blessed" when talking about pregnancy.} I know what is probably trying to be said here. You are either saying it without thinking, or you are saying it thinking that since some of is can't have babies or are having a very hard time having them, that you are letting everyone know that you aren't taking it for granted. What it sounds like is "I am so blessed that I am pregnant with a healthy child. You aren't blessed, because you aren't." A lot of people would say that I'm nitpicking and I'm too sensitive, but go to any infertility or recurrent loss forum and ask that. Most people will agree that it hurts.

"At least now you won't be pregnant when...", "At least now you won't be big when...": There is no at least. I don't care if I'm pregnant when I go on vacation. I don't care if I can't drink on vacation. I don't care if I'm huge in July, hot and super swollen, insanely miserable. I lost my child. My baby died...there is no at least. I'd trade my vacation a million times for my babies.

"You should feel lucky. Other people have it worse": I should feel lucky that two of my babies died? I'm not really sure how that is even okay to say. Yes, I know that other people have it worse. First of all, that is a matter of opinion. Second of all, yes, I know that some people are homeless, starving, dying of cancer. I know some people have had more than two miscarriages. Some have had stillbirths, or even had their children die after years of knowing them. There is pain and heartache in this world that is absolutely indescribable. But that doesn't mean that I cannot hurt. I'm allowed to grieve!

Minimizing someone's loss doesn't help anything, it hurts even more. A general rule of thumb is to stop for a few seconds and think "What would I want someone to do/say for me? Should I say (insert phrase here)? Would that hurt me or help me if the situation was reversed?" and go from there. Everyone is different, so it still may not be the perfect thing to say, but it is usually not going to be painful if you stop first.

A hug, a hand-written note, a basket of goodies, a dinner they can easily reheat, etc. are all good things to do for someone who is going through loss (I know some people don't know, but it really does feel like the loss of a loved one you have known for your entire life for some of us. There are tears for hours on end sometimes, you don't want to get up and face the world. For me, even weeks and months later I will just randomly break down.). If you don't know what to say, just hold them tight and do something nice for them. Those things are honestly the best things to do. If you don't have the right words (and I know that they are hard to have in awkward, sad situations) then just say that you don't know what to say. We understand. We are thankful for the honesty, I promise.

I am thankful for everyone that has said the right thing, for everyone that has tried their hardest to say the right thing, and for those that have caught their words and apologized. I am also thankful for the ones that hugged me, prayed for me, and checked up on me. So absolutely thankful for the love and support that I've had!

If you're reading this and are now pissed off that I wrote about what you said, then...sorry not sorry. If you didn't want me to tell anyone, you should have known better than to have said it.