Love.

I think it is starting to finally hit me that this might just be it, our rainbow baby. I'm 10 weeks and 5 days, and I bought a new doppler on Saturday. Guess what? I've heard a beautiful heartbeat every single day. I've just been amazed. There is an actual baby in there, already swimming away from the doppler and being ornery.

 I went to Target last week and spent a while walking through the baby section by myself. Guys, you have no idea how many times I've walked through there in the past year and a half and just wanted to weep. Sometimes I did tear up. Target is always full of pregnant women, rubbing their bumps, laughing, smiling, registering for their showers, and throwing baby things in their baskets. I almost started crying this time, touching everything, because I'm still in disbelief that so far, this baby seems healthy, and I may be able to seriously buy baby stuff soon. I could be one of those pregnant women again.

I was in the tenth week last pregnancy when I started having pinkish, yellow and brown spotting. It was very light, and most people won't have noticed that it was an off color. According to our first ultrasound, I was 11 weeks when we had our second and the baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days. So it feels amazing to know that I'm almost eleven weeks and this baby is still in there thriving. I'm so in love with this little baby. Just like I've loved all my babies. But this one I'm feeling a deep connection with. I just feel so much love right now, and my pain is slowly going away. I know it won't ever disappear, but I can already feel this baby just helping my heart so much. I know it sounds ridiculous.

Okay, enough cheesiness for today. :)

I'd have to say one of the hardest things so far this pregnancy (besides the general worries) has been due date groups. I've read several posts about how their friend or sister miscarried or is having trouble conceiving, and the hateful tone and rude comments have appalled me. I haven't gotten into any arguments, but it is so sad that my opinion is always ignored by the rude ones. Luckily I have been backed up by a couple of women, but it is always women who went through infertility and or loss as well. Some of the things I've read:

 1) "My friend and I were pregnant and due the same week and she had a miscarriage. I've tried texting and calling her but she says she doesn't want to talk right now and she needs space. Obviously I've lost a friend, she's being ridiculous. What do I do?" The worst reply? "She sounds like a terrible friend. Drop her, if she can't get over it and be happy for you then she's not worth your time. I'd cut ties with her". The poster AGREED. Disgusting. I tried to explain to them that miscarriages are far from easy and she's mourning. The fact that she was due the same time as her made it a thousand times worse, because seeing her and talking to her reminds her of what she lost and should have. I told her to just give her space and tell her she's sorry and she loves her. The poster was like "well she's being a bad friend and doesn't want me to text her so I don't think so".

2) "My friend is having trouble getting pregnant and posted the other day that if she sees one more pregnancy announcement she's going to lose it. What do I do? I'm going to post my announcement this week." (My advice was to message her and say you wanted to give her a heads up, and that you're thinking about her and just didn't want to upset her even more since she saw her post about it. Someone had said that it sounded stupid and so I also tried to explain why pregnancy announcements hurt those dealing with infertility). Stupid comment (luckily not as bad as the one above about miscarriage): "If someone can't be happy when they see a friend's pregnancy announcement then that is their problem. If it hurts her, it hurts her. Nothing to do with you. Don't worry about it"

It just really breaks my heart that so many people have a "get over it" attitude with miscarriage and infertility. You have those people that will be blunt and let you know that they don't care about anyone else's problems, and you have those people that say they care but have a bad attitude deep down. I know it is hard to think about infertility and loss when you're pregnant and trying to be happy, believe me, but dang. I don't understand why so many people are so harsh and hateful. I've experienced so much nastiness personally and just by reading comments on articles and posts...it's sick.

So with that, I say...be the good you would like to see in the world, people. Say good things. Help people. Care for people. Everyone is fighting SOME kind of battle, just because you don't understand it, don't think it would be very hard, whatever...have some empathy. Love one another.

OMG!!!!!

You guys!!!

There is a tiny, adorable baby in my uterus. Every time I look at this picture, I just melt.

Someone pinch me! I AM SO EXCITED!!! This might really happen! I could have a baby next spring, in my arms! I could be feeling flutters in a month or two! I could be buying baby clothes around Christmas time. Audrey could really be getting a little brother or sister.

My baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days today with a due date of May 6th. This is two days further along than my ovulation estimation and one day further along than my "pregnancy test" estimation (a darker bfp than what I expected at 8dpo). In other words, absolutely perfect. We still didn't get to hear a heartbeat, but we saw the heart beating away and he said it looks as healthy as can be. We get to listen to the heartbeat next time but I will be trying my doppler a few times before then just to see if I can get lucky.

I just cannot get over this. I was so nervous this morning, but my baby is growing and looks perfect. I love it so much. I kept myself a bit detached but today that all changed, so everything better go good from here on out! I'm in love!!!!

{Almost} 8 week update

So, last week, I went ahead and called my OB because I was worried.

He told me to come in for an ultrasound, but we really didn't learn much. It went okay. I really don't know what exactly to think or feel, so I am really trying to stay on the positive side of things.

The good news is that there was a baby there, and that baby had a heartbeat. The not so great news was that the baby measured 6 weeks and 2 days when I should have been measuring 6 weeks and 4/5 days (ovulation says 6w4d, but I got a pretty good line at 8dpo that would have shown up at 7dpo for sure, so I've been thinking 6w5d and an early implantation). My OB also did not measure the heart rate, so I don't know how that was, which sucks because that was our worry with Hope. At 6w4d, she measured 6w6d and her heart rate was low at 109.

My OB said the measurement had room for error this early, and another two friends told me there was a 5 day window of error and that any tiny difference in placement of measurements could put it a day or two off, easy. Also, my OB did it, and not an ultrasound tech, so there's that. I'm so hoping that we go in next Tuesday and that baby measures around 8w3d/8w4d, which is where I should be that day, with a super great, healthy heart rate!

I so, so want this little miracle rainbow so badly!

Symptoms:

Some faint nausea here and there on most days

Food cravings and aversions

Bloating

Constipation

Tender breasts

Pulling and a few cramps a week

Shooting pain while sneezing

Discomfort after big meals

LOTS of burping

Frequent urination
Fatigue

Here is our sweet baby, and my "bump" which is obviously mostly bloat, lol:

Try not to pay too much attention to the mess in my belly photo, this is our junk room right now while we declutter the house, so literally everything is just thrown in there right now!

I hope and pray that I have an absolutely wonderful update next week for you all! Come on baby #4!!!!

Still Pregnant

Today marks 6 weeks and 2 days.

(6 weeks, 3 days in a few hours).

So far, so good. I've had a couple of things that have scared me, and one thing that still is, but I'm trying to put it in the back of my mind. It's only two weeks until my ultrasound, and I'm going to go into that expecting the worst so that maybe I will be pleasantly surprised. An awful way of going about it, but probably the most wise decision. I've still tried to keep myself from becoming too attached to this pregnancy. I know I will still be upset if I miscarry, but maybe I won't become depressed if I don't let myself get attached.

I still have very tender boobs, and my nausea is closer to the nausea I had with Audrey than with my other pregnancies. I have had quite a few food aversions in the past week too. My blump (bloat bump) is already outrageous. I always look pregnant early on because of this.

Last week I had a terrible sinus infection. I stayed in bed all week long with a pounding head, no energy, and nausea. I felt awful. Besides the nausea and some fatigue, I'm feeling much better this week!!!

Hopefully I can update again soon, with GREAT news!

4 weeks 5 days

I am trying so hard to be positive about this pregnancy. It seems like one minute I'll feel very positive about it and the next minute I just feel super negative. It's hard after losses. People keep telling me "Oh stop thinking like that" and "Just don't think about it". Nobody saying these things to me would be able to take their own advice in my situation. I can't stand it when people act like I'm being stupid for worrying.

I decided to compile a list of good/bad things so far.

 

The Good:

~ My tests are still very dark.

~ I'm cramping some almost every day.

~ My boobs are insanely sore, more than the last two pregnancies.

~ I've gagged at smells for the past two mornings.

~ I've felt some "almost" nausea for about a week now, mostly after eating. Not what I would call sick yet.

 

The Bad:

~ I haven't actually felt nauseous. By this time with Audrey, I was VERY sick. With my first loss, I never got sick, and with my second loss, I had very faint nausea.

~ My dark tests are very, very dark, which most people don't see as bad, but with my last pregnancy, it was.

~ My last test was a bit more faint than the exact same brand of test I took two days prior.

~ My progesterone that I am taking could be giving me the symptoms that I do have.

 

 

Everyone keeps telling me not to compare pregnancies, but there is really no way not to. I will say that this pregnancy feels much more like my pregnancy with Audrey than the other two did, except for the lack of morning sickness. Everyone keeps telling me that not everyone gets morning sickness, and I know that, but in *my* experience, with *my* pregnancies, I've only carried to term when I was sick.

 

I hate that my ultrasound isn't until I am 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Still SO far off. I hope that I make it to then, and I hope everything looks great then. I keep hoping that I wake up to morning sickness, but so far it hasn't happened yet. Hopefully soon. I really am trying to stay positive, but if I don't get sick in the next few days I'm really not going to have much hope for this pregnancy at all. I'm doing my very best not to get attached.

11dpo update

Early pregnancy is seriously so nerve-wracking.

I used to worry about the test line not darkening fast enough, now I worry about it darkening too fast. With Sunny, after a week or so, they started darkening less. With Hope, they darkened very fast, and when I got my HCG levels, they went from 43 to 187 in 48 hours...more than quadrupling. I don't remember where I read it, but I read somewhere later on that levels rising that fast was a sign of something wrong (blighted ovum, molar pregnancy) but that it could also mean a chromosomal abnormality of some kind. Then again, it could just be normal, or it could be multiples. Here is the pic of Monday (8dpo) and today (11dpo) both FMU.

 

Obviously the line has gotten much darker, but I really don't know if that is normal or not. Having issues with Hope has made this so much harder. Luckily, that was my last pregnancy test. So I won't be taking anymore, I'm just going to sit back and let the pregnancy progress. I've got sore boobs, so my body knows it is pregnant. I just hate not truly feeling pregnant!

My OB put me on progesterone, so I'm on that, taking 5mg of methylfolate on top of the 1mg in my prenatal vitamin, taking DHA, my daily baby aspirin, and my synthroid. I'm trying literally everything I can to make sure that this pregnancy works out. If it doesn't, I will know that I did everything that I could. But I am trying to stay positive, and overall I have a good feeling about this one.

I'm due on May 8, Mother's Day!

It's Test Day...

I hate test day so much, because it is filled with so much sadness when the test is negative. There is just so much disappointment. I always start testing too early, too. It sucks.

During the last month, I have considered doing a vlog on YouTube. I love watching these women take tests every month, it gets me excited and I always end up crying for them! It has just always seemed so fun, although time-consuming.

 

 

It turns out, it's too late to start a vlog, because I'm very cautiously expecting!

 

 

 

 

 

I really can't believe it, I wasn't expecting this at all this month. I felt really out because of our timing, but I guess this just shows that my husband's swimmers are not the problem! I'm married to a fertile myrtle, ya'll!!! I am 8dpo according to my chart, and 10dpo according to fertile signs. My chart shows that there is no way I am 10dpo though because of my temperatures, but I don't know, these tests are faint but in person are a darker than any 8dpo test I have ever taken. I could have definitely gotten squinters to show up yesterday.

 

We are due May 8. My first appointment is in a month and we will have an ultrasound. My OB is calling me in some progesterone, which is good. My level was only 13 on Friday. That is higher than what it was with Audrey at that point in time, but not by much. I've always heard that they want it above 20 in a clomid cycle, and it isn't there.

 

I am hoping everything works out with this pregnancy, and I'm feeling very optimistic! No stress this time around!!!! Please let this be our rainbow!



P.S. If you have me on Facebook, please do not say anything. We plan to announce after our ultrasound if everything goes well. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please!