Pregnancy Update

Holy cow!

I've been meaning to update this, but life has been seriously crazy lately. Audrey had a stomach virus in February (which was our least busy month and when I should have updated last). In March, our nephew was born three weeks early and spent ten days in the NICU (he's okay!). Our sweet cat, Copper, also passed away that day, which has been terrible. We got her right after we got married in 2011 and she was my first little baby. We also had a labor scare (more on that later), our baby shower, and Audrey's birthday party, and then the day after she had her party, she started getting sick. She's been sick all week and is finally better. It was scary, she ended up in the ER with a fever of 104.9, and we could barely keep her awake at all. She was almost admitted for extra blood work, a chest x-ray, and an IV due to being dehydrated and them not knowing what was wrong with her. Her flu swab was negative, and she didn't have strep or an ear infection. Thank goodness she is okay now. It was not fun, I've never seen her that miserable. She didn't even want to get up, she just wanted to lay down and sleep. Anyone who knows her, knows she does NOT nap!

 We've also been working on potty training, but it's not going so well since we've been so busy and she's been sick twice. Poor baby. She did really good until she got the stomach virus, and then she did great during the day until she got sick this last time. Now she freaks out anytime she has to use the potty because she got dehydrated and they were trying to make her pee in a hat for a urine sample and it scared her.

As for the update on baby boy, he seems to be doing great in there! At about 31 and a half weeks, we had a little labor scare. I had contractions 3 minutes apart for three hours. Only a few of them hurt, I felt mostly pressure down low. Right when I was about to call labor and delivery (it was midnight ish), they started fizzling out. I would have called sooner, but I get Braxton Hicks ALL the time. I have with both kiddos since about 16 weeks. I definitely found it odd this time though that I could time them. Luckily, everything has been great since then!

We still do not have a name for the little guy, sadly. However, his nursery is starting to come along. We've painted his room, and we have the glider in there. We also have his changing table/dresser. Today I washed all of his blankets, bibs, burp cloths, socks, washcloths, and newborn to 3 months clothes and got it all put up. We still have a lot to do though!

It's getting late, but I'll put a few pictures up :)

xoxo

That "Look".

I am thrilled to be pregnant - obviously. Don't get me wrong.

However, sometimes I feel guilty. For instance, two days ago, I was out shopping for Audrey's birthday party decorations. I had Audrey with me, and was trying to keep her close to me while looking around, which wasn't easy since I'm 26 weeks pregnant and she is a wild almost three year old who had already been to several other stores.

I was walking around and kept making eye contact with this couple, especially the woman. They looked to be in their early to mid-thirties, and didn't have a child with them. The woman kept staring at Audrey and my belly, and she looked sad. I have absolutely no way of knowing if it was because they were having trouble, but it reminded me so much of the look I always had on my face when I was struggling. It broke my heart. I just wanted to hide my belly. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Things like that hurt so much. I could easily have been misreading the situation, but I just kept thinking "This woman is looking at me thinking I'm a fertile myrtle, and to her I may be, but I just want to tell her I'm not. This wasn't easy for me. " I wanted to hug her.

I feel sad every time I post about my pregnancy on Facebook, every time I post a belly picture or ultrasound picture. I know there are a few people that probably get sad anytime they see me or someone else post about being pregnant or about our babies. I still post because I'm excited, and everyone else always did it. But I always try not to say anything like "I'm so lucky", or "I'm so blessed". I have said "I'm so thankful", "I can't wait to meet him", etcetera. But I always try not to word things in a bragging way. I also would never be upset at someone for hiding me from Facebook if I was hurting them. Been there, done that.

It is amazing how I can still relate so much to the infertile/miscarriage community, and even though I have one living child, and am pregnant again, I still remember the pain so well. I still feel like I'm there, it feels like just yesterday I was bitter as can be.

I hope I can always remember, so that I can always be empathetic. Having healthy babies isn't something everyone gets to experience. I really am so incredibly thankful for this hard journey for that one reason. It allows me to truly realize how special this all really is. I will never take my babies for granted.

January news :)

Things have been going great around here!

I will be 25 weeks in two days, and I am feeling wonderful! A lot has happened in the past five weeks. We hired a doula, we've had a big talk with my OB, and we have a date set for our "baby sprinkle". It all feels so real finally!

Our doula seems amazing so far. I inquired about a few, but when I came across her profile, I just had a feeling that she was "the one". I looked up her blog and I saw that she has experienced pregnancy loss, and had some of the same feelings that I did in her pregnancy after loss. I really felt, and still feel, like I need someone who has been there. We met with her for the initial consult, and my husband liked her just as much as I did. We have quite a few other things in common as well, so I really think she will be a good fit for us.

My first OB, the one who delivered Audrey, was supposed to be the most "natural" in the area. I should have known better when I hit 39 weeks and he started talking c-section just because she hadn't dropped yet. He did "let" me go to 41 weeks before he induced me, but pushed that c-section really quick. My new OB told me he has no problems waiting until 42 weeks for any patient, VBAC or not, as long as there are no issues like dangerously high blood pressure or something else. He also said that instead of scheduling a repeat cesarean if I haven't went into labor, he will try safe ways to induce me. I'm so happy!

Our baby shower (or sprinkle) is going to be March 13th. I'll be just over 32 weeks!

In other news, Bubbie (baby's name, because he is nameless as of now) has finally flipped head down for now. I'm sure he will play around some more before he flips for good, but he has been breech for weeks now. Audrey has also learned how to write the letter "A". :) I'm so proud of her!!!

I'm so excited to start on Bubbie's nursery soon! We are going with a rustic theme. It's going to be perfect.

20 weeks pregnant

Wow! Today is the 20-week mark!

So far, everything is going great. I'm finally starting to feel better, although I still have to take nausea meds. When I forget, I do still feel sick all day. I also am still having terrible headaches. As much as both of those things suck, I definitely prefer it to not being pregnant. It's worth it.

All I've been doing is soaking up baby kicks. I will almost certainly never experience this again, so I just want to remember all of it. With Audrey, I enjoyed it, but I never thought I would be faced with the things I was faced with after having her. After going through infertility and/or losses, it definitely changes you completely. I just want to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, from here on out.

On the topic of never experiencing this again, this will be our second living child (knock on wood). My husband and I tossed around the idea of three kids early on in our relationship and marriage. Back when we were beginning to try for baby #2, I was still kind of wanting three kids. After going through what we did, I definitely don't want another child. I don't want to experience loss again, I don't want to try anymore. It is just way too much, physically and emotionally. I truly commend the women who have several losses, even stillbirths, and keep trying. I know I wouldn't be able to handle much more than what I did. The strength some women have just amazes me.

I've already had several people ask me if we are having another, and even when I say we are done, a lot of them still make jokes with me like "you never know, you'll probably end up with an accident", or "you'll decide to have another". The jokes about having an accident are fine (although I deem that unlikely), but when people act like I just have no clue what I'm talking about when I say we won't try for a number three? No, we *know* we don't want to go through this again! At this point in time, the only reason I would possibly try again for another is if something happened to this baby, and that is still a big maybe.

So it is crazy knowing I am half-way through this pregnancy, and I will almost certainly never experience baby kicks, hiccups again after next May. It's quite sad, but I'm thankful that I've been able to experience it at all, because some women never do. I am definitely not taking this for granted.

It's a...

BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it! My husband and I both really thought he was a girl. But then again, we thought Audrey was a boy. So I guess I am just really one of those people who just has no idea on something like that! HAHA!

I'm still kind of shocked, to be honest. I also just always imagined myself as a girl mom, especially since having Audrey. I love headbands, pink, the cute girl clothes, everything. Not to mention, I've always wanted a sister, so I thought it would be so amazing to have two daughters who could experience the sisterly bond (hopefully, lol).

However, I also did want a boy. At the daycares I worked at, all of my favorite little babies and toddlers were boys except for one. I know I will enjoy him. But I am still really surprised, I think I am still in shock!!! 

He is silly already and he definitely wants me to know everything is okay in there...

When the tech told us it was a boy, I said "Did you hear that, Audrey? It's a boy!". She said "It's a boy!? Ooooooh, I like!!" Still, she isn't quite sure what is going on, but I bet she will understand a bit more soon. We are excited to watch her be a big sister and are so happy that this is finally happening!!!

Oh, and a bump pic...yesterday at 16 weeks and 1 day!

We are having another ultrasound sometime at the end of December, so hopefully I'll have another cute ultrasound pic or two then. Yesterday, she said he seems to like laying with his feet on my bladder, aka breech. Which makes sense, because he kicks me sometimes near my belly where I can feel it well, but he mostly likes to flutter and move around down low. Hopefully he finds a different position he likes as he grows :) 

All is well!

I have been terrible with updating this blog. I definitely need to be better about it!

Today, I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am finally in the second trimester, and I'm so happy. I'm feeling some movement, which is the best part of pregnancy for me. It still seems kind of crazy that I am still pregnant. Not only am I still pregnant, but in thirteen days, we find out if this baby is a BOY or a GIRL. I'm freaking out! I think I might actually be more excited to see the baby again than to find out what it is, which is kind of funny.

I'll update as soon as we find out what this little jelly bean is, with an ultrasound photo *and* a belly picture!

Love.

I think it is starting to finally hit me that this might just be it, our rainbow baby. I'm 10 weeks and 5 days, and I bought a new doppler on Saturday. Guess what? I've heard a beautiful heartbeat every single day. I've just been amazed. There is an actual baby in there, already swimming away from the doppler and being ornery.

 I went to Target last week and spent a while walking through the baby section by myself. Guys, you have no idea how many times I've walked through there in the past year and a half and just wanted to weep. Sometimes I did tear up. Target is always full of pregnant women, rubbing their bumps, laughing, smiling, registering for their showers, and throwing baby things in their baskets. I almost started crying this time, touching everything, because I'm still in disbelief that so far, this baby seems healthy, and I may be able to seriously buy baby stuff soon. I could be one of those pregnant women again.

I was in the tenth week last pregnancy when I started having pinkish, yellow and brown spotting. It was very light, and most people won't have noticed that it was an off color. According to our first ultrasound, I was 11 weeks when we had our second and the baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days. So it feels amazing to know that I'm almost eleven weeks and this baby is still in there thriving. I'm so in love with this little baby. Just like I've loved all my babies. But this one I'm feeling a deep connection with. I just feel so much love right now, and my pain is slowly going away. I know it won't ever disappear, but I can already feel this baby just helping my heart so much. I know it sounds ridiculous.

Okay, enough cheesiness for today. :)

I'd have to say one of the hardest things so far this pregnancy (besides the general worries) has been due date groups. I've read several posts about how their friend or sister miscarried or is having trouble conceiving, and the hateful tone and rude comments have appalled me. I haven't gotten into any arguments, but it is so sad that my opinion is always ignored by the rude ones. Luckily I have been backed up by a couple of women, but it is always women who went through infertility and or loss as well. Some of the things I've read:

 1) "My friend and I were pregnant and due the same week and she had a miscarriage. I've tried texting and calling her but she says she doesn't want to talk right now and she needs space. Obviously I've lost a friend, she's being ridiculous. What do I do?" The worst reply? "She sounds like a terrible friend. Drop her, if she can't get over it and be happy for you then she's not worth your time. I'd cut ties with her". The poster AGREED. Disgusting. I tried to explain to them that miscarriages are far from easy and she's mourning. The fact that she was due the same time as her made it a thousand times worse, because seeing her and talking to her reminds her of what she lost and should have. I told her to just give her space and tell her she's sorry and she loves her. The poster was like "well she's being a bad friend and doesn't want me to text her so I don't think so".

2) "My friend is having trouble getting pregnant and posted the other day that if she sees one more pregnancy announcement she's going to lose it. What do I do? I'm going to post my announcement this week." (My advice was to message her and say you wanted to give her a heads up, and that you're thinking about her and just didn't want to upset her even more since she saw her post about it. Someone had said that it sounded stupid and so I also tried to explain why pregnancy announcements hurt those dealing with infertility). Stupid comment (luckily not as bad as the one above about miscarriage): "If someone can't be happy when they see a friend's pregnancy announcement then that is their problem. If it hurts her, it hurts her. Nothing to do with you. Don't worry about it"

It just really breaks my heart that so many people have a "get over it" attitude with miscarriage and infertility. You have those people that will be blunt and let you know that they don't care about anyone else's problems, and you have those people that say they care but have a bad attitude deep down. I know it is hard to think about infertility and loss when you're pregnant and trying to be happy, believe me, but dang. I don't understand why so many people are so harsh and hateful. I've experienced so much nastiness personally and just by reading comments on articles and posts...it's sick.

So with that, I say...be the good you would like to see in the world, people. Say good things. Help people. Care for people. Everyone is fighting SOME kind of battle, just because you don't understand it, don't think it would be very hard, whatever...have some empathy. Love one another.