good-bye.

Unfortunately today we found out that our third baby passed away. It is pretty unbelievable but at the same time I've had this gut feeling since our last ultrasound. I lost most of my symptoms in week 9 and this baby was measuring about 9 weeks today when I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant.

Surprisingly I am doing okay (for now) but it is very upsetting.

😢

I can never feel reassured.

Our first appointment was a surprise. We met with the nurse and then my OB, then they told me that they were sending me back for an ultrasound. I immediately became nervous becauseiI wasn't expecting one until the next visit.

The tech came and got us and then informed me that she was doing an abdominal ultrasound (which struck me as odd). I was under the impression that transvaginal should be done until second trimester.

She said she would switch to transvaginal if she couldn't find a heartbeat. Luckily she found my baby and told me I was measuring 6w6d. Then she had me hold my breath twice. The first time it looked like the heart rate was 110bpm, but the second time she announced it was 109bpm and that it would get faster.

Now, I originally thought this sounded fine so early but upon telling a few people, I realiEd that it was very low. The LOW end of what people told me they had at that stage was 120!so I called the nurse back the next day and she told me for six weeks 109 was at the low end. My heart sunk. I told her I should he 6w4d and measured 6w6d and she said "Even though you're at the very low end of normal, try not to worry".

😑 Are you freaking kidding me?

Someone told me that maybe an abdominal ultrasound wouldn't "pick up" the heartbeat as well as a transvaginal, so maybe it was off, but my nurse crushed those dreams by telling me it should pick it up just as well.

She also didn't offer me a follow-up, which shocked me since I found three people at my gestation who were above 110bpm but below 120bpm and they were offered a follow-up and told it was low.

I've found horror stories and success stories, unfortinatldt it seems to be around 50/50 so I am of course upset and don't know what to expect.

I am trying not to think the worst but at this point it is really hard not to.

I don't know what I will do if we lose this baby, too.

6w3d

I am late on writing this...we've had lots of things going on, Thanksgiving festivities and the birth of our niece being the main two.

I am still pregnant! I miscarried Sunny at 5w6d and I have hit 6w3d. I am a lot more relaxed this time around, but I have still had some worries. I still don't have morning sickness, and I have minimal cramping/stretching feelings. Those were the two things that made me realize that my pregnancy with Sunny wasn't viable.

I guess some would say I *do* have morning sickness if they have never had it. If I do, it's extremely mild. I'd say for a small portion of the day, my stomach feels a tiny bit unsettled and weird. I have never felt nauseous as if I was about to be sick. I did run to the toilet twice, but one was because of a particularly disgusting diaper that had me gagging, and the other was because of some weird, overwhelming feeling to run to the toilet and an odd sensation...but it was not nausea. This all started at 4w6d. Skipped 5w0d and started again. I have felt a bit uncomfortable at times, not wanting to get out of my chair, do chores, walk around etc because it aggravates the feeling. I also sometimes feel a tad sick first thing upon waking, but it goes away quickly without eating. I'd say 80% of my "nausea" I get AFTER eating.

I really don't know what to think. Feeling a little weird makes me feel positive because it is SOMETHING...maybe I am pregnant with a boy? With Audrey I was just horribly sick by now. My breasts are still really sore. I had some stretching sensations during week three, and maybe a couple of days into week four. I had some cramps the night of 4w2d, and a few more cramps in the past week, but just really quick ones. Not really much at all going on.

Our first appointment is tomorrow, and while the nurse mentioned wanting me at almost 7 weeks to hear a heartbeat, the receptionist said I didn't have an ultrasound scheduled when I called to inquire. It is too early to attempt a doppler, so I have no idea why the nurse mentioned that. I assume they will schedule an ultrasound tomorrow. I think tomorrow will be a pap smear, possibly a check to see if my uterus is enlarged (hope it is), and me getting a huge bag full if pamphlets, magazines, info sheets, etc.

All I know is that I really just want to see/hear or even just hear the heartbeat. I would feel so much better!

HCG Results

This cycle, I wasn't keeping track of ovulation very well, which was part of my "relaxation" tactic. Someone pointed out to me that all three cycles I've ever had that I temped this way, I got pregnant. Kind of a funny coincidence! Based on my cervix, cervical mucus, and the couple of temperatures that I actually took, it looks like I ovulated on cd17 or cd18, which made Monday 10-11dpo.

Monday, my HCG was 43 at 3:30pm.

I just went back yesterday, Wednesday (11-12dpo), 48 hours later at 3:30pm, and my HCG was: 187!!!!

It more than quadrupled, which is excellent. I put in that picture on the other post that I'm due July 23rd, but I may actually be due on the 24th. I'll know for sure at my first ultrasound.

We scheduled our first appointment for December 2nd, I'll be almost 7 weeks. The nurse mentioned something about hearing a heartbeat, which makes me wonder if we will have an ultrasound. It seems kind of early (I was expecting one around 8-9 weeks), but I can't see them attempting to use a doppler that early.

We also decided that we will announce on Thanksgiving night. I always said I would announce early, and I did before, so I'll do it again. I don't have any shame with a miscarriage, however, I am still scared of it happening again. The one thing that really weirds me out is that if I am really due on July 24th like I think I am, I will be 5 weeks 6 days when we announce our pregnancy, which is what I was when we lost Sunny. It is going to be a really hard time to announce. I am so nervous that we will announce, and then something will happen immediately after.

This pregnancy is different so far...I don't really have the AF cramps everyone talks about (I had them with Audrey, I've felt a few seconds of them with this pregnancy but that is it), but I have some weird little twinges. I don't know if I want to call them twinges, zings, stretching feelings, or what. I feel them on both sides of my uterus. I also gagged yesterday at Audrey's stinky diaper and felt a few queasy moments today - like "almost" nausea. So I am hoping (yeah...I know, haha) that I will be sick soon. It will be miserable, but it will be a wonderful miserable.

My breasts are sore, but nowhere near as sore as they were with Audrey (however with her, they were always really sore as soon as ovulation occurred). They also seem to fluctuate in soreness. This frustrates me as well, because this was one of the signs that I knew I was losing Sunny. They got less sore a few days before the bleeding started. :( The nurse said my progesterone looked good, but didn't mention a number.

However, worrying won't help me any. So I will sit back and enjoy this pregnancy...

We're pregnant again!

Well...it's time to share the news.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, PLEASE do not say anything yet. We want to wait to share on Thanksgiving.

I am so excited, and while I'm nervous that my numbers don't be doubling, or that I will miscarry, I have a better feeling about this pregnancy than I did the last (so far). To say I'm shocked would be a bit of an understatement. DH and I sat in a Jacuzzi for 10-15 minutes about a week and a half before ovulation. It was pretty hot and I figured we ruined our chances. God decided that it was time, though. I spent all of Friday (8dpo) bawling. Jist crying my eyes out. I was so emotional over not getting pregnant, and every time I thought about my miscarriage, I would cry. I even posted a whiny Facebook status (I know...). I tested with a First Response and that is what triggered the sadness. I swore I saw a line at first (after the ccontrol was developing) but then it went away. I took the test apart and saw a line but you aren't supposed to do that. 

Saturday, I kept my FMU for a few hours until my cheapies came in. I was shocked to see a line! My FRER have been giving me extremely faint lines while everything else has a decent line, so I must have gotten a bad batch or something.

10dpo FMU with FRER, then 11DPO fmu with Answer. Supposedly FRER is more sensitive than Answer...hmm. By this time with Audrey and Sunny, my FRER was much darker...but my cheapies look the exact same as with them, so...FRER has some issues right bow! I got a positive digital with that top FRER! Crazy.

So right now I am waiting on a call from my OB nurse to do some bloodwork and set up my first appointment.

Ah, nerves!

what's going on lately...

I haven't updated my blog in almost a month. I really didn't have anything interesting to say. We are about to start our next cycle. I had a bfn today at 8dpo, which I know doesn't mean I'm out yet, but I can tell that I am.

I'm really not looking forward to next week, because I don't have a lot of synthroid pills left. This means I have to call my OBGYN, who is currently managing my thyroid since we are TTC. They'll have me come in for bloodwork. I'll have to sit in an office full of pregnant women rubbing their bellies. It's not going to be fun. I have to do this every three months or so until I get pregnant.

I really don't do well with watching non-stop belly rubbing.

Luckily, the time after this I will be going to my OB office for a fertility work-up (or hopefully, another pregnancy). So this time will be hard, but next time, while it will still be difficult, I will feel like we are accomplishing something.

Here are the pills I am taking right now: Prenatal vitamin (currently Similac Prenatal, although it varies, it is a two-pill a day pack), 1000IUVitamin d3 a day (down from 2000IU daily since I've changed up my pills), one baby aspirin a day (81mg), Calcium pills (60% of daily calcium, and 800IU of d3), levothyroxin, and methylfolate (can't remember how much, but 200% of daily value for a non-pregnant woman, which I think roughly converts to 100% for a pregnant woman).

I've never been tested for MTHFR, but it can't hurt to take precautions since it is very common and I have had a miscarriage. I actually feel great taking methylfolate and extra d3. I've felt a lot less stressed out and had less headaches for the past two weeks, which is awesome.

They say to take methylfolate for three months prior to the next conception if you have MTHFR. I started it slowly a little over a month ago, and it doesn't look like I'm pregnant. Also, DH is interviewing for a position today (it is his second interview, there are only two of them left), so if he gets that position, we will probably skip TTC next month for insurance purposes. So it will hopefully work out really well.

I'm definitely still aggravated with certain things and easily upset, but I have been less stressed lately, so that is a good thing. I really wanted to be pregnant by Christmas, and depending on how things go, that probably will not happen. But I hope to be pregnant by March 13th, Sunny's due date. That would make it so much easier to heal!

Good luck to any TTC'ers out there reading this.

One stupid line.

As usual. Onto cycle 7.

Why worry?

I have truly had a great week! I've been doing deep-breathing exercises and a few other relaxation techniques. I have noticed that I keep a lot of stress in my chest area. Even when I'm having an easy, good day, I feel the stress building up in my chest. That's obviously not good! But I've felt much better over the past few days.

I've also been trying to maintain a positive outlook on everything. I feel like I have always had bad luck most of the time, even as a child. But I have been trying to count my blessings. This is hard for me to do because I am a pessimist (naturally, because of how things usually go for me). However, I have blessings, and I'm trying to keep them on my mind instead of thinking of worst-case scenarios and other things that have went wrong in my life. Thinking of things that have went wrong before make me think that other things will turn out negatively in the future. I feel as if it is a never-ending cycle. "If it can go wrong, it will". I seem to believe in luck. Some people have it, and some people don't. I've heard so many times that if you think positively, positive things will happen, but if you have a negative outlook on life, then negative things will happen. I don't believe that at all. I believe that was coined by someone who has had a great, lucky life. I have a negative outlook on life because that is what I have experienced. Even when things were okay, they weren't great. However, I'm blessed because I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, sweet child, and I am trying to remember that some people would kill for that. I may have what I consider "bad luck" but some people can't have a child. Some people lost their child, lost their husband. Some people are out there starving and cold. I am comparing myself to people I know, and in that sense, I'm not the lucky one. But when I stop and think about people I don't know, I realize that while I don't feel very blessed sometimes, that I am. So I need to remember THAT. I worry every month that I won't get pregnant, or that I will, and I'll lose it. I was on Pinterest and found this quote, and it has truly helped me. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker, and I also put it as the lock screen on my phone.

Another thing I've been doing is eating healthier and trying to lose weight. I did the same thing while TTC Audrey because we were about to go to the beach, and I thought what the heck . If I can't get pregnant, I'll lose weight and look good. Then I got pregnant. I was 138 and got down to 132 in a few weeks and found out I was pregnant, and I was 138 again last week. I'm 136 as of this morning so I'm two pounds down (and technically I only started my diet on Monday). So far, so good.

So with all of that being said, we are on cycle 6 TTC. I'm on cd10 and all of my ovulation tests look the same, so nothing yet. I'm hoping for a cd15ish ovulation again! That would be amazing. My husband and I decided to try the SI again this month, and then skip it next cycle and go from there. I'm trying to focus on "right now" instead of worrying about the future. If we get a positive pregnancy test, I'll be calling right away for a progesterone check, and that's really all I can do to help the pregnancy. If "it" happens again, I'll demand testing. Besides all of that, I can't do anything but put my faith and trust in God.

I am struggling.

I'm on cycle day 2.

I need to decide if I am taking soy this month. But I can't. With the soy, I ovulated earlier and experienced a major symptom of high progesterone that I don't get now that I've had Audrey. I have so many issues right now, but nobody will check them. To get tests done again, I "need" two or three losses. I only have one, and I don't want anymore. Or I need to "try" for a few more months. This means I can either take the soy once or twice more, which can harm my thyroid (and I already have hypothyroidism), not take it and possibly have more losses, or stop trying until I can get tests done. All of these are horrible choices for different reasons. I don't want to stop trying, I want to trust God. I have so much anxiety and I am scare to death of losing another baby. What if it could have been avoided? I know I have hormonal issues and I told them this BEFORE my loss, before my pregnancy and was shrugged off. I told them this before Audrey and got pregnant before they could finish testing me, but had two things come back too high. Why won't they just test me again?

I could switch doctors, but that would mean switching out of the office since I've already switched a few times (due to my old doctor not delivering babies anymore and another refusing me treatment for PPD) and the one I have now is pretty much my only choice for a VBAC in our area. A VBAC is important to me.

So many decisions. But the main things that hurt are 1) knowing I tried to do something and if someone had listened, my baby *may* not have died. 2) not knowing what God is wanting me to do. I just don't know. My heart says try the soy again or try to get tests done again, but I tried before and that didn't work.

I am leaning towards taking the soy this cycle and then switching doctors in a month or two if nothing had happened. I'm not risking another miscarriage. If it is something preventable and it is something I can have some control over, then I am going to do what I can.

TTC after a miscarriage...It's not easy.

Trying to conceive after a miscarriage is not easy. The past few days have been full of lots of emotions...excitement, sadness, anger, and more. I let myself believe that there was no way I couldn't be pregnant this cycle, and unfortunately, that's not the case. I knew better than to do that to myself. I put myself in this position.

If you do a quick search, you'll find that the probability of conception during each cycle varies. Many websites say different things. For a healthy woman in her 20's, I've found 20-33%. Those numbers are obviously very low, but still high enough to feel positive about. I practically drowned myself in water this cycle. I took soy isoflavones again. I took evening primrose oil. I took Robitussin.I used PreSeed. I used opk's. In the TWW, I kept warm. I wore sweatpants, and two pairs of socks, and ate soup, and drank room temperature water (which was really hard for me to do since I love ice cold water). I did everything in order to help things along. Absolutely everything I could, but unfortunately pregnancy wasn't in the cards for this month.

I'm only 9dpo today, and I know "you're not out until AF shows", "but that's so early" etc. However, I have a shorter luteal phase, and AF should be here on Monday, Tuesday if I'm lucky. With Sunny, I had a disappearing line at 8dpo and a definite faint line by 9dpo. With Audrey, I only tested at 11dpo, but I had good, dark lines by then that would have probably showed up at 8dpo, and would have definitely showed up at 9dpo. I don't get fourteen or fifteen day luteal phases to wait and see if an embryo decides to implant late. If I don't get a test early, my body is already washing it all out. I'd say I'm about 99% out this cycle.

I know I have it "better" than a lot of women do. I haven't been trying to conceive for very long. But trying to conceive after a loss is frustrating, especially when you have to work for it. I wish I could just "relax" and get pregnant, but I can't. I'm also scared of just relaxing. I'm so scared of another miscarriage. I want to get pregnant, I want to have a baby, but having a miscarriage takes all of the "fun" out of it. I already know the second that I see that second line, whenever that happens, I won't feel that immediate excitement. I'll feel fear. It's so hard wanting something so badly, but being incredibly scared of it.

After my test this morning, which was as white as it could be, all I felt was failure. I feel like my body failed me during Audrey's birth that ended in cesarean and post-partum depression. I feel like my body has failed me because it doesn't produce fertile cervical mucus. It ovulates later than it should sometimes and it doesn't leave quite enough time for conception to occur...the cervical mucus issue combined with the luteal phase issue means less chance of egg meeting sperm, and less chances of that egg/sperm combo implanting. I feel like my body has failed me because when I did get pregnant again, I miscarried.

I haven't quite decided what to do next cycle yet. But I do know that I'm not working my butt off again. I don't have the energy right now to do it, maybe after a break I will. As of now my thoughts are to buy another $23 tube of PreSeed and take some opk's. I'll obviously drink water, but I'm not going to consume my thoughts with "DID I DRINK ENOUGH WATER TODAY? OH NO, I'M 6 OUNCES SHORT". It didn't work for me anyway, so as I've considered before, my problems are probably hormonal since I get abundant cervical mucus in the TWW. I can't do anything about that.

I suppose next cycle will be my version of "relaxing".

Announcing a Pregnancy Early (& The TWW)

Two nights ago, I got on Facebook and instantly saw a picture of Derick and Jill Dillard. I rolled my eyes and prepared to scroll past it, as I see their picture every day. Someone is always sharing something about their pregnancy, and of course it annoys me. However, as I was scrolling past, I saw the words "unique take on announcing a pregnancy early" (article here). Eh, what the heck. I decided to read it, since I have announced both of my pregnancies early, and have reasons why.

I don't dislike the Duggar family. I have no reason to. But I do envy their fertility. I told my husband as soon as Jill got married that she would be pregnant immediately, but I thought maybe it would take two or three months. Of course, she got pregnant literally right after the wedding. But most of all, she's also due in March. I should have been due in March. So naturally, I've been avoiding any and all articles on the Duggar/Dillard family.

But this article was great. It's exactly what I have been trying to tell people. I am not going to stop talking about my baby. I want to celebrate my child. I have no shame. I carried a life, and that sweet, beautiful life ended. There is absolutely no reason that women should get to that magical 12-week mark to talk about something so precious. There is absolutely no reason we should keep our happiness to ourselves to make other people comfortable. Of course, everyone has a different preference, and some people don't want to tell right away. That's totally fine. As for me, I don't want to pretend to be happy around a bunch of people, because I am an incredibly emotional person. If I cry, someone is going to ask why. If I look sad, someone is going to ask why. I'm not going to lie about that.

So, what else is going on in my life? Well, my BBT (basal body temperature) did end up rising a small amount yesterday, and it rose a bit more today, so I'm officially 2dpo (2 days past ovulation) which is awesome. This means I can finally start preparing for an embryo to (hopefully) implant into my uterus! Yay!

(In case you didn't notice, I'll probably be a *bit* TMI on this blog. Be prepared for that if you keep checking back in).

Things I do in the TWW (two-week-wait):

1) ALWAYS wear socks. Cold feet means a cold uterus, and embryos like warmth.

2) Lots of warm beverages and soups. More warmth.

3) Heating pad (kind you heat up in the microwave). Sometimes I put this on my lower back (which is especially good, because I have bad lower back pain lately), on my abdomen (when it isn't super hot), or on my feet.

4) Yoga pants. I have to keep my legs warm, too.

5) Blankets. If I'm sitting down, I have a blanket at least partially on me.

6) Walk. This is especially important from 4dpo on, because it keeps blood flowing to the uterus, which is good.

7) I try not to drink things ice cold. I do sometimes, but I try my best to only drink room temperature beverages 90% of the time. I absolutely love ice cold water, but I've been leaving bottles out on the counter and drinking them room temperature. It sucks, but if it helps me, then that's all that matters.

I'm seriously excited that I ovulated on cd15 this month! I have never ovulated that early. The earliest I have ever ovulated was on cd17, but it is usually closer to cd20, and last cycle it was cd25, so I'm literally over the moon. My main goal is to be pregnant this month, but having a shorter cycle will also be great. I'm pretty sure the early ovulation was due to soy isoflavones, which can either make you ovulate sooner or later. When I took them with Audrey, it made me ovulate later, so I was pleasantly shocked this time around.

Symptoms: Nothing except painful ovary twinges (thank you soy) and slightly sore breasts. That is also weird, because I used to have them every month while TTC Audrey, but not at all this time around while trying. I did have them after I got pregnant with Sunny, but not during the TWW. Maybe that is a sign that my progesterone is higher due to the soy. That means I'll definitely have my progesterone levels checked as soon as I get pregnant again, whether it is this month or another one. 

Seriously?

Just a few hours after the last post, I took another OPK and it was almost positive. This shocked me, because I've never gotten a positive OPK that early. I started taking them earlier this cycle because of the SI (soy isoflavones, I'm getting tired of typing that) and the miscarriage.

On cd13 I had a positive OPK, and then yesterday, cd14, I had another positive OPK, and some of the worst ovulation pains I've ever had. But...when I woke up this morning, my temperature still hadn't risen yet, which means I didn't ovulate, and my OPK was lighter and negative, meaning I'm coming down from my surge. I could still ovulate today because anything is possible, but most likely, my body geared up to release an egg and didn't do it.

So, in other words, unless a miracle happens, I have to wait to ovulate, and who knows how long that will be! Thank goodness I order my cheapies in bulk from eBay. I've got tons left, so I'll just keep testing. I'm not going to lie though, I'm already really sick of the follicular phase. I am sick of grapefruit juice, sick of evening primrose oil, sick of everything. The luteal phase is much more fun. I get to eat lots of soup, use a heating pad, and examine my chart to see if my chart goes triphasic...

I also need to go out today or tomorrow and buy another tube of PreSeed, because I "wasted" it thinking I was going to ovulate. That stuff isn't cheap, either.

Sick, sick.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a cold/sinus infection that my daughter gave to me. So now, even drinking four bottles of water, a glass of orange juice, and a glass of grapefruit juice a day, I still feel incredibly thirsty because I am literally made of snot right now. My head also feels like it is going to explode.

My mom called me this morning (on FaceTime) and could tell I was sick. She asked me if I was taking anything for it, and I told her I was doing my very best not to, and I saw her face instantly light up. "Mom, I'm NOT pregnant." I didn't even want to go into details of why I was trying not to take any medicine. I just don't want to dry up my cervical mucus.Hopefully, my suffering this month results in a healthy, full-term pregnancy, but we will just have to see. I really want to take medicine, but I'm not going to.

We also got a phone call last night around 2:15 a.m. It was my husbands' grandmother. His grandpa was rushed to the E.R. last night and unresponsive. He has pneumonia in both lungs. We really hope he can pull through all of this. It will be extremely upsetting and hard if something happens to him, since we lost our baby in July and my grandmother in August.

That's about it right now. Cycle day 12 and still an opk with a half-way there line.

Cycle update/Ideas to honor Sunny

Long post ahead, just a bunch of rambling for now!

Ever since this cycle started, I've been feeling a lot better emotionally. I've been thinking a lot about ways to honor Sunny. I started a journal about three days before I started miscarrying, and I wrote in it that one time, again a few days after I started bleeding, and then once more. I will continue to write in it whenever I feel the urge to do so. I also have a "memory box" which will not have very much in it, but that is okay. It has probably 20-30 pregnancy tests right now. I did the same thing with Audrey....kind of weird, but that's okay.

Last week, a family member brought over a white Bible. It was personalized and said "Baby Martin 2014" on it, and it really meant a lot to me. I've held it close a few times already while crying, and it really helps me feel close to Sunny. It is the next best thing since I can't actually hold him. I was also told by a friend about www.projectbear.com. They send you a free teddy bear...it doesn't matter if you had a miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. (I donated a few dollars and plan to do so again when I can, and I definitely will after the birth of my rainbow baby. It is a great organization.) I will definitely be holding that bear close when I get it.

I will also be getting a tattoo one day for Sunny (which is crazy, because I have none and always said I would never get one), but I don't know what I want yet. It needs to be perfect! A few years down the road I want to add something for Audrey and the next baby too, so it needs to be something that won't look strange when something else is added.

On to another topic...I would be 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow. It is a crazy thought. TimeHop shows me every few days what I would look like if I was pregnant right now (since Audrey and Sunny had the same due date, two years apart). It hurts a little, but it also helps in a way, because it gives me hope. Pregnancy announcements still sting, but they don't hurt quite as bad as they did before.

As of right now, I am on cycle day 8 (cd8) and doing fine. I finished my soy isoflavones last night, and am now working on staying hydrated before ovulation. It's kind of hard, because (TMI****) I have only seen EWCM twice in my life, so I really have to try quite a bit to see it. The second time I saw it (this is while checking internally, mind you, I don't ever see it externally) was when I got pregnant with Sunny, and I worked my butt off for that. As in...drinking 80+ ounces of water/juice a day, taking guafinesin, and EPO (evening primrose oil) so I am doing all of that again. The main reasons this sucks:

 1) you have to pee ALL. THE. TIME. Which is fine, because I'm trying to get pregnant and will be peeing all of the time anyway whenever that happens.

2) If you want to take OPK's, which I do, because I never know when I will ovulate, then your pee is watered down if you drink a ton. Which makes the OPK's inaccurate. So you have to drink a lot of water for the first couple of hours, pee a few times and drink nothing/limit your intake, wait 3-4 hours (I can usually make it about 3, 4 is out of the question), take an OPK, then drink a ton more water. In other words...you have to drink a ton only during certain parts of the day, which means you are constantly peeing and drinking. It's all worth it.

 3) I suddenly got really bad allergies right before my period started. I can't sleep at night because my throat is incredibly itchy and raw. The sneezing during the day is tolerable, but the itchy raw throat isn't. I caved and took an allergy pill last night, but I can't take anymore because they dry up your mucus. ALL of your mucus. So I'm going to be pretty miserable until ovulation (which could be two weeks away).

Anyway, lastly...I took my first OPK today and it wasn't positive, but it was darker than I expected it to be. It could be because of the soy. So I will definitely have to take one every day from here on out. I also made myself a chart for my meds/water/etc so I can highlight the square when I've taken each medicine, and drank each bottle of water, etc. I like to stay organized with all of that stuff, because it is really easy to forget!

A Fresh Start

The past few days have been crazy.

As some of you know, I chart my cycles to see when I ovulate. This consists of taking your temperature with a special thermometer every morning at the same time, before doing anything else. At the beginning of your cycle, your temperatures are lower. When you ovulate, your temperatures rise. If you have very predictable cycles, charting isn't as important. However, every cycle is different for me.  So far this year since I started charting again, each ovulation day has been different. (CD = cycle day). Not everyone ovulates on the same day each month, but a large amount of lucky women do.

February: cd19
March: didn't chart well, but looks like cd19
April: cd18
May: cd19
June: cd17
(miscarriage)
August: cd22 or cd25

Now, I bet you're wondering why I don't know my ovulation day this month. The answer? FertilityFriend was (probably) wrong. Anyone who uses FertiltyFriend knows that it is very accurate. However...the first cycle after a miscarriage is crazy. I've always heard that, and I even heard not to chart for the first cycle after a miscarriage because your temperatures might be all over the place. But I like to know what is going on with my body, and I like knowing when my period will be coming.

In short, FertilityFriend told me that I ovulated on cd22. Which meant by period was due Tuesday. Well, Tuesday rolled around and...nothing. I instantly started worrying. I took a pregnancy test and it was completely negative, so I took another look at my chart. I'd noticed a second temperature shift after cd25, but it could have been a fluke due to slow-rising temperatures. But I told myself not to worry, I probably ovulated on cd25 and my period would be here Friday.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up Thursday to blood! I still don't know which day I ovulated. If I ovulated on cd22, then my luteal phase has extended by two days somehow, which probably isn't the case, but that would be awesome since my luteal phase is on the short side. If I ovulated on cd25, which is more likely, then my luteal phase has shortened by a day, which isn't very good. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. I don't need to - I need to relax! I am just SO happy that I ovulated at all. I was starting to get worried that my high temperatures didn't mean anything, since I had a few low ones, and I was having an annovulatory cycle (which can go on for 40-70 days or longer).

So, I had a 35-day cycle, which really isn't *that* bad. It's on the extreme long side of normal, but it is normal. I am praying that I get pregnant this month of course, with a STICKY baby. I'll be taking soy isoflavones, which I used with Audrey. If nothing happens by January, it's back to the OB, for more tests and probably clomid. I hope so much that we don't have to do that, but if so, then that's what we will do. I really wish we could move my ovulation date up to around cd14-16, because I have read multiple times that women who ovulate later (like myself) don't have the best egg quality sometimes. Of course that is a scary thought to have right after you miscarry, but I have always suspected it. I worry a lot though, that's just who I am.

So the plan this month is soy, and RELAX. Both times I've been pregnant I was very relaxed. I don't know how likely it is to get pregnant on the second try (we did try on our post-miscarriage cycle) but I did get lucky enough to get pregnant on my third with Sunny, so who knows. Technically, it will be our fifth try, since we lost Sunny...and Audrey took two kind-of trying (NTNP) and then six more actively trying (TTC). We will just have to see!

What NOT to say...

I came across another blog post last week that really made me think. This woman, Rachel Lewis, hit the nail right on the head. If you haven't read her blog post, do so. It's perfect. I definitely agree that my loss was all in God's plan. I have accepted that, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It amazes me how many people just blow it off, like it isn't a big deal. Yet most of these same people are ready for an abortion argument at a moment's notice. An abortion? It was a baby that had a heartbeat, that had human rights, that deserved to live and could have cured cancer! A miscarriage? There was something wrong with it, it wasn't really a baby, you'll get over it, everything happens for a reason, you can just have another one.

"There was something probably wrong with it": Well, maybe. It looked like my baby hadn't really developed. However, there is no way to tell if there was something wrong with the baby, or if it was something else that caused Sunny not to develop properly. There are a few different things that can cause a miscarriage, and without testing, there is no way to tell. I have hypothyroidism and am positive for autoimmune antibodies that can cause miscarriages. It could have also been low progesterone (which I will be tested for if it ever happens again). Even if there was something wrong with it, that doesn't make me feel any better right now. For all I know, it could have been perfectly healthy. My husband and I have both talked about this, and we definitely would have rather lost Sunny than have him been born and be miserable and very sick. But that doesn't HELP the pain any.

"It wasn't really a baby": Yes, it was...I was pregnant. A fertilized egg implanted in my uterus. I'm not sure why people say this, it doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you want to get technical, it was an embryo. Which is still a baby.

"You'll get over it": No, I won't. It will get easier, but I will never forgot the emotional pain, the physical pain, the sadness. I will never not be sad thinking about my baby dying. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, I was happy. I was a mommy of two.

 "Everything happens for a reason": I believe that this is true...but it doesn't make it any easier for me. It was God's plan, but it wasn't my plan. I have accepted that God needed my baby more than I did. But I can still hurt, and I do still hurt.

"You can just have another one": Probably, but nothing will ever replace Sunny. If I am blessed with another baby, I will love it dearly, but I will still feel have a part of me that feels empty.

"I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you.": Thank you very much.

As I've stated before, these comments don't bug me very much. People don't know what to say for the most part, so they say the first thing that comes to mind. I appreciate people trying to help me and make me feel better. But these are definitely my thoughts with each of these. However, I love each and every person that has said anything at all to me about our loss. Even if your comment stings a little.

Losing Sunny, our angel baby.

I woke up on Saturday, June 28, and took a pregnancy test (cheap one from eBay). I was only eight days past ovulation (8dpo) but I tested anyway. I have always tested early. At first glance, there was nothing there, so I left and came back a few minutes later to an extremely faint line. Sure, I had to squint to see it, but it was there. I knew better than to get excited though. Sure enough, at the one hour mark, it completely disappeared. I was disappointed, but not surprised. We had only been trying for three months, and Audrey took over double that, so we expected it to take around a year to get pregnant with our second child.

The next morning, I woke up and laid there for a while. Part of me wanted to take another test, but part of me didn't. Of course, I ended up taking one. After a couple of minutes, there it was. A line! I started shaking and was in disbelief. I went to grab a First Signal out of my test drawer and used the same cup of urine (yes, I pee in a cup). Faint but there. I walked into our bedroom and said "Clayton, I was going to tell you a different way, but...I'm pregnant!" I was too excited to hold it in. He couldn't believe it! Three months? It felt like the first try. In fact, it felt like we hadn't had to try at all! We went to Fort Smith and bought Audrey a big sister shirt (which took a few hours) and some FRER (First Response Early Result) pregnancy tests. I had a digital at home left over from trying for Audrey. I held my pee the entire time we were out and came home and used the FRER, and there was a definite line since they are a more sensitive test (12.5mIU vs. 25mIU). We were thrilled! Our due date was March 13th, which was the same due date we had with Audrey. What were the chances!? (Picture below is of 9dpo, 10dpo, and 11dpo, top to bottom).

I had sent my mom a video that morning and also told my brother Patrick,  and we went over to see Clayton and his parents that evening to tell them. I started cramping pretty badly that night. I assume this was implantation cramps. The next day, Monday, we told my dad and brother Devyn. On Tuesday, I took another FRER and a digital. Dark line and "Pregnant"! YAY! As the week wore on, we also told a few good friends. I had no more cramping all week, just a few minutes of nausea every few days. On Friday, July 4th, we told more family. I was exactly 4 weeks. We also decided to make it Facebook official. Four weeks is extremely early, and anything could happen at that point. Around the time your period is due, some studies say your chances of miscarriage could be as high as 50%. However, I knew that if something happened, I would want people to know why I was sad. I am a very open person.

I don't know why, but before I even got pregnant, I had a bad feeling. I have a friend I made online back at the end of 2011, and we started trying to get pregnant together with our first babies. I told her while we were trying for baby number two that I had a bad feeling about this next pregnancy. I wasn't even pregnant yet, but I just felt bad about it. I have no idea why I felt that way, and I know it's probably just a coincidence. Sure enough, even while I told people, I felt differently than I did with Audrey, "not right" about telling. I chalked it up to the fact that it was my second pregnancy.

From 4-5 weeks, I knew something was wrong. I wasn't sick. With Audrey, I was sick from the day my period was due, at exactly 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I was miserable by 4 weeks and a couple of days with her - completely miserable. I told a few people my worries and got the same answer -  "Every pregnancy is different. It's okay. Just relax and don't stress. Everything is fine". It didn't help. I just *knew*. My breasts were sore, but nowhere near as sore as they were with Audrey. I also noticed that after 9dpo, I didn't have any stretching feelings at all, no slight cramping. With Audrey, I had light cramps. One day, Clayton and I went for a walk with Audrey and I told him something was wrong. I knew it. He tried telling me not to worry as well. I continued to test, almost daily at first, but finally at about 5 weeks, I tested every few days. The line was getting darker, but not as fast as I thought it should have. However, I was pregnant! I bonded instantly with the little life inside of me. I felt like it was a boy, and I named him Sunny (Audrey's name was Henry Joe before we knew what she was). After all, he made me happy! So Sunny it was.

Finally, a day or so after I turned 5 weeks, I calmed down. I told myself that a most people don't get morning sickness until between six and eight weeks, so it was going to be soon. At this point, miscarriage is said to be about 25% (or as low as 10%, depending on the study). I pushed my worries to the back of my mind. I took a pregnancy test on Sunday, and the line was just as dark as it had been days earlier. But I didn't worry. It wasn't lighter, after all. The days wore on. Tuesday night, I told Clayton while we were getting ready for bed that my breasts didn't feel as sore as they had been. Again, he told me not to worry. Symptoms can come and go. So I didn't.

On Thursday, July 17, I woke up and took another test. It was darker than it had been on Sunday, much darker than the control line. Perfect. Audrey and I got up and got dressed and my grandpa and grandma came to get us. They wanted to take us to Golden Corral to eat with them and some of their friends. Around noon, I started to notice cramping, and I was happy, because my cramping was starting! It was just light cramps. It felt just like it did with Audrey. I enjoyed the day. A couple of hours later, the cramping got worse. It felt like my period was coming. Not just cramping...I felt like my uterus was "cleaning house". I didn't feel good about the cramps at that moment. We had picked my cousin Tabitha up to spend the night with me, and I remember telling her "When we get to my house, I'm going to lay down. I'm cramping." Even though the cramps didn't feel right at all, I still didn't worry too much. Maybe I'd just forgotten what early pregnancy cramps felt like. Maybe it was normal.

We got to my house and I hadn't went to the bathroom in a few hours, so I had to go. I will never in my life forget seeing the blood on the toilet paper. Even with the cramping, I didn't expect it. I hadn't even thought about blood, even though every time I went to the bathroom since I'd tested positive, I checked. My heart felt like it was being ripped into a thousand pieces. I whispered "I love you, Sunny" and jumped up and ran to the living room. I said "Tabby, can you please watch Audrey? I'm bleeding". The tears came then, when I said it out loud.

I ran to the bedroom and called my husband and asked him to come home early because I was bleeding, and then I called Eastside OB-GYN. They closed in 30 minutes, and I just knew that I'd have to go to the E.R. because they always take a few hours to call you back. However, the nurse got my message and called me back within five minutes. She of course told me not to cry, not to worry, it could be implantation bleeding or something else. I knew it wasn't. I was already six weeks pregnant, it wasn't implantation bleeding. It wasn't spotting - it was bright red and heavy. She calmed me down and said that it could still be something else, it could be a bleed behind my placenta. I was told to lay down, take tylenol for the pain, and rest. To come in at 8:30 when they opened for an ultrasound.

I laid on the couch and cramped. I cried. I felt gushes of blood and didn't want to go to the bathroom because it was horrible to see over and over again. Just after midnight, my bleeding stopped. It was like someone pushed a button. I had been bleeding heavily, and then it just stopped. I still just knew Sunny was gone, but since my bleeding was gone, I tried to hold onto hope. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The next morning, we went to see Dr. Wood and have our ultrasound. We finally got called back into the new ultrasound room. I'd already told Clayton that if the ultrasound tech didn't say anything, if she was silent, that it was bad news. I wanted desperately to hear her speak. Instead, I lay there in pain while tears streamed out of my eyes, watching the screen closely. When she got done checking my ovaries, she went to my uterus, and there it was. A small sac. The sac that held my baby. She still said nothing. It was so small - TOO small, because it was the wrong shape. I heard nothing, no heartbeat. It was a completely different experience than when we went in for Audrey's first ultrasound. With her, we heard a fast, beautiful heartbeat. Audrey, just the size of a grape, had wiggled. The ultrasound tech had smiled and talked away happily. She'd printed multiple pictures of our baby for us.

Not this time. I knew then that it was over. The lady measured the gestational sac silently, with a frown on her face. She finished up, and printed the photos. But she took the photos with her instead of offering them to me. She told me to get dressed and she would be back to take me to a room. Clayton and I just looked at each other when she left. We knew. I got dressed and went to a room to wait on Dr. Wood. We waited for a very long time while he saw a few other patients and looked at my chart and the ultrasound photos. It was an awful wait...we knew that it was over, but maybe...just maybe it wasn't. Maybe everything was okay. I just wanted to know. I couldn't stand not knowing for sure. Miracles happen every day, after all.

 Finally, he came in and sat down with us. He told us he was sorry. The ultrasound showed a gestational sac, but my uterus had already started contracting...the sac was squeezed tightly, so tightly that he couldn't tell gestational age. It was squeezed so tightly that he couldn't see anything in it, and there was nothing resembling a heartbeat. No flicker, no sound. I cried. After he left, I broke down completely. I will never, ever forget the way that I felt at that moment. Empty. Devastated. I laid on the bed shaking and crying for what felt like a lifetime. I couldn't catch my breath. Clayton rubbed my back and held me and I just bawled.

I can't tell you how many times I researched miscarriage symptoms during that three weeks that I knew I was pregnant. How many times I came across women having the same issues I had (no stretching cramps, no morning sickness, a bad feeling) and how many times it turned out the same way mine did. I knew a miscarriage would be horrible, but there are so many things nobody tells you. Unless, of course, you read posts on miscarriage support groups. There, there is truth. It doesn't matter how early you lose your child, it hurts. It's a pain like no other, losing your baby. I know that if I had been further along, or if I had my child here on earth, that it would have hurt more. But the fact is that it is still shocking how much it hurts early on. I am writing this almost three weeks after I started bleeding, and I am still hurting. I still cry.

Not only do people not tell you the truth about how much you will hurt emotionally, but physically. I cannot tell you how many people told me "It will be okay. Miscarriages, especially in the first trimester, are just like a period." A couple of people told me it would be a heavy period. It was not. Nobody really prepared me for it. A couple of people tried to, but you still don't understand until it happens. Nobody told me that blood wouldn't just drip, but at times, it would pour. Nobody told me that I might have to physically push to get some of it out. In some ways, it was childbirth. Nobody told me that I might have contractions for days. After Sunday, I just knew that it would pretty much be over since I had bled so much. Not so. I continued to bleed that week. I bled like a heavy period for five more days, and during that five days, I had contractions. Tylenol wouldn't cut it, and Advil finally took the edge off of it on the last day. It really felt like early labor. Clayton and I had planned a vacation to Branson weeks earlier, and since I felt like the worse of it was finished on Sunday, we left. Some of the contractions made it hard to breathe. I never expected that with an early pregnancy loss. Finally, I woke up on Saturday spotting and spotted on Sunday, and then it was over. I bled heavily and contracted for nine days, and spotted for two. Hardly just like a period.

Probably the worst part of the entire thing is the way people react. Most people just act like it didn't happen. They don't say anything, don't mention it. They might not say anything to me at all, or they might discuss everything but the loss, avoiding it entirely. I know that this is normal, people don't want to bring it up. They may be uncomfortable mentioning it, or they may be afraid to mention it, not wanting me to start crying. However, mentioning it won't hurt me. I'm already thinking about it constantly. I am okay with nobody mentioning it though...the few comments I have gotten have been a bit insensitive. I am not upset about those either. Nobody knows what to say, and that's fine.I expected that, and I was told that it would happen. People don't know what to say, so they just say something, and that is fine, because they are acknowledging it. I'm an open person, and I want to talk. That is how I heal, by talking about things.Writing my feelings down. That is how I get through them.

I was pregnant with my child. Now, I am no longer pregnant, but I don't have my child. I will never hold him for the first time, or ever. I will never hear his first cries or his first word. His heart should have been beating. I will never know if it started beating or not, because my doctor wasn't able to tell when the baby died. But he was a baby. I will see him again in Heaven, but it seems so far away. I can honestly say that I will never be more thankful for Audrey than I am now. I've been so sad, but she has brightened every day since we lost Sunny. Her beautiful smile, her cute laugh, and her silly personality. I cannot imagine losing a baby and not having another child. It breaks my heart. Knowing that I have Audrey gives me hope that I can stay pregnant. It is possible. I have to trust God.

We buried the tissue that I passed with a note. It was very healing. I am so glad now that I announced my pregnancy, and that I  had to "un-announce" it. I feel the same way I did with Audrey's birth...I won't keep quiet about the emotional pain, post-partum depression, miscarriage. I will be here to talk to anyone going through ANY of those things, because I went through them. These things aren't talked about very much, but they happen every day. They're common. Why stay silent? Silence makes it worse. I know that my parents and my in-laws hurt, too. Sunny wasn't only my child, but he was a grandson, a great-grandson, a nephew, a cousin. He existed. I'm going to use my loss in the only positive way I know how, and that is to help anyone going through it. I'm an open person (even though I didn't used to be) and I know that makes some people uncomfortable, but if I help one person in my life tremendously, it is worth it.