Why worry?

I have truly had a great week! I've been doing deep-breathing exercises and a few other relaxation techniques. I have noticed that I keep a lot of stress in my chest area. Even when I'm having an easy, good day, I feel the stress building up in my chest. That's obviously not good! But I've felt much better over the past few days.

I've also been trying to maintain a positive outlook on everything. I feel like I have always had bad luck most of the time, even as a child. But I have been trying to count my blessings. This is hard for me to do because I am a pessimist (naturally, because of how things usually go for me). However, I have blessings, and I'm trying to keep them on my mind instead of thinking of worst-case scenarios and other things that have went wrong in my life. Thinking of things that have went wrong before make me think that other things will turn out negatively in the future. I feel as if it is a never-ending cycle. "If it can go wrong, it will". I seem to believe in luck. Some people have it, and some people don't. I've heard so many times that if you think positively, positive things will happen, but if you have a negative outlook on life, then negative things will happen. I don't believe that at all. I believe that was coined by someone who has had a great, lucky life. I have a negative outlook on life because that is what I have experienced. Even when things were okay, they weren't great. However, I'm blessed because I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, sweet child, and I am trying to remember that some people would kill for that. I may have what I consider "bad luck" but some people can't have a child. Some people lost their child, lost their husband. Some people are out there starving and cold. I am comparing myself to people I know, and in that sense, I'm not the lucky one. But when I stop and think about people I don't know, I realize that while I don't feel very blessed sometimes, that I am. So I need to remember THAT. I worry every month that I won't get pregnant, or that I will, and I'll lose it. I was on Pinterest and found this quote, and it has truly helped me. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker, and I also put it as the lock screen on my phone.

Another thing I've been doing is eating healthier and trying to lose weight. I did the same thing while TTC Audrey because we were about to go to the beach, and I thought what the heck . If I can't get pregnant, I'll lose weight and look good. Then I got pregnant. I was 138 and got down to 132 in a few weeks and found out I was pregnant, and I was 138 again last week. I'm 136 as of this morning so I'm two pounds down (and technically I only started my diet on Monday). So far, so good.

So with all of that being said, we are on cycle 6 TTC. I'm on cd10 and all of my ovulation tests look the same, so nothing yet. I'm hoping for a cd15ish ovulation again! That would be amazing. My husband and I decided to try the SI again this month, and then skip it next cycle and go from there. I'm trying to focus on "right now" instead of worrying about the future. If we get a positive pregnancy test, I'll be calling right away for a progesterone check, and that's really all I can do to help the pregnancy. If "it" happens again, I'll demand testing. Besides all of that, I can't do anything but put my faith and trust in God.

I am struggling.

I'm on cycle day 2.

I need to decide if I am taking soy this month. But I can't. With the soy, I ovulated earlier and experienced a major symptom of high progesterone that I don't get now that I've had Audrey. I have so many issues right now, but nobody will check them. To get tests done again, I "need" two or three losses. I only have one, and I don't want anymore. Or I need to "try" for a few more months. This means I can either take the soy once or twice more, which can harm my thyroid (and I already have hypothyroidism), not take it and possibly have more losses, or stop trying until I can get tests done. All of these are horrible choices for different reasons. I don't want to stop trying, I want to trust God. I have so much anxiety and I am scare to death of losing another baby. What if it could have been avoided? I know I have hormonal issues and I told them this BEFORE my loss, before my pregnancy and was shrugged off. I told them this before Audrey and got pregnant before they could finish testing me, but had two things come back too high. Why won't they just test me again?

I could switch doctors, but that would mean switching out of the office since I've already switched a few times (due to my old doctor not delivering babies anymore and another refusing me treatment for PPD) and the one I have now is pretty much my only choice for a VBAC in our area. A VBAC is important to me.

So many decisions. But the main things that hurt are 1) knowing I tried to do something and if someone had listened, my baby *may* not have died. 2) not knowing what God is wanting me to do. I just don't know. My heart says try the soy again or try to get tests done again, but I tried before and that didn't work.

I am leaning towards taking the soy this cycle and then switching doctors in a month or two if nothing had happened. I'm not risking another miscarriage. If it is something preventable and it is something I can have some control over, then I am going to do what I can.

TTC after a miscarriage...It's not easy.

Trying to conceive after a miscarriage is not easy. The past few days have been full of lots of emotions...excitement, sadness, anger, and more. I let myself believe that there was no way I couldn't be pregnant this cycle, and unfortunately, that's not the case. I knew better than to do that to myself. I put myself in this position.

If you do a quick search, you'll find that the probability of conception during each cycle varies. Many websites say different things. For a healthy woman in her 20's, I've found 20-33%. Those numbers are obviously very low, but still high enough to feel positive about. I practically drowned myself in water this cycle. I took soy isoflavones again. I took evening primrose oil. I took Robitussin.I used PreSeed. I used opk's. In the TWW, I kept warm. I wore sweatpants, and two pairs of socks, and ate soup, and drank room temperature water (which was really hard for me to do since I love ice cold water). I did everything in order to help things along. Absolutely everything I could, but unfortunately pregnancy wasn't in the cards for this month.

I'm only 9dpo today, and I know "you're not out until AF shows", "but that's so early" etc. However, I have a shorter luteal phase, and AF should be here on Monday, Tuesday if I'm lucky. With Sunny, I had a disappearing line at 8dpo and a definite faint line by 9dpo. With Audrey, I only tested at 11dpo, but I had good, dark lines by then that would have probably showed up at 8dpo, and would have definitely showed up at 9dpo. I don't get fourteen or fifteen day luteal phases to wait and see if an embryo decides to implant late. If I don't get a test early, my body is already washing it all out. I'd say I'm about 99% out this cycle.

I know I have it "better" than a lot of women do. I haven't been trying to conceive for very long. But trying to conceive after a loss is frustrating, especially when you have to work for it. I wish I could just "relax" and get pregnant, but I can't. I'm also scared of just relaxing. I'm so scared of another miscarriage. I want to get pregnant, I want to have a baby, but having a miscarriage takes all of the "fun" out of it. I already know the second that I see that second line, whenever that happens, I won't feel that immediate excitement. I'll feel fear. It's so hard wanting something so badly, but being incredibly scared of it.

After my test this morning, which was as white as it could be, all I felt was failure. I feel like my body failed me during Audrey's birth that ended in cesarean and post-partum depression. I feel like my body has failed me because it doesn't produce fertile cervical mucus. It ovulates later than it should sometimes and it doesn't leave quite enough time for conception to occur...the cervical mucus issue combined with the luteal phase issue means less chance of egg meeting sperm, and less chances of that egg/sperm combo implanting. I feel like my body has failed me because when I did get pregnant again, I miscarried.

I haven't quite decided what to do next cycle yet. But I do know that I'm not working my butt off again. I don't have the energy right now to do it, maybe after a break I will. As of now my thoughts are to buy another $23 tube of PreSeed and take some opk's. I'll obviously drink water, but I'm not going to consume my thoughts with "DID I DRINK ENOUGH WATER TODAY? OH NO, I'M 6 OUNCES SHORT". It didn't work for me anyway, so as I've considered before, my problems are probably hormonal since I get abundant cervical mucus in the TWW. I can't do anything about that.

I suppose next cycle will be my version of "relaxing".

Announcing a Pregnancy Early (& The TWW)

Two nights ago, I got on Facebook and instantly saw a picture of Derick and Jill Dillard. I rolled my eyes and prepared to scroll past it, as I see their picture every day. Someone is always sharing something about their pregnancy, and of course it annoys me. However, as I was scrolling past, I saw the words "unique take on announcing a pregnancy early" (article here). Eh, what the heck. I decided to read it, since I have announced both of my pregnancies early, and have reasons why.

I don't dislike the Duggar family. I have no reason to. But I do envy their fertility. I told my husband as soon as Jill got married that she would be pregnant immediately, but I thought maybe it would take two or three months. Of course, she got pregnant literally right after the wedding. But most of all, she's also due in March. I should have been due in March. So naturally, I've been avoiding any and all articles on the Duggar/Dillard family.

But this article was great. It's exactly what I have been trying to tell people. I am not going to stop talking about my baby. I want to celebrate my child. I have no shame. I carried a life, and that sweet, beautiful life ended. There is absolutely no reason that women should get to that magical 12-week mark to talk about something so precious. There is absolutely no reason we should keep our happiness to ourselves to make other people comfortable. Of course, everyone has a different preference, and some people don't want to tell right away. That's totally fine. As for me, I don't want to pretend to be happy around a bunch of people, because I am an incredibly emotional person. If I cry, someone is going to ask why. If I look sad, someone is going to ask why. I'm not going to lie about that.

So, what else is going on in my life? Well, my BBT (basal body temperature) did end up rising a small amount yesterday, and it rose a bit more today, so I'm officially 2dpo (2 days past ovulation) which is awesome. This means I can finally start preparing for an embryo to (hopefully) implant into my uterus! Yay!

(In case you didn't notice, I'll probably be a *bit* TMI on this blog. Be prepared for that if you keep checking back in).

Things I do in the TWW (two-week-wait):

1) ALWAYS wear socks. Cold feet means a cold uterus, and embryos like warmth.

2) Lots of warm beverages and soups. More warmth.

3) Heating pad (kind you heat up in the microwave). Sometimes I put this on my lower back (which is especially good, because I have bad lower back pain lately), on my abdomen (when it isn't super hot), or on my feet.

4) Yoga pants. I have to keep my legs warm, too.

5) Blankets. If I'm sitting down, I have a blanket at least partially on me.

6) Walk. This is especially important from 4dpo on, because it keeps blood flowing to the uterus, which is good.

7) I try not to drink things ice cold. I do sometimes, but I try my best to only drink room temperature beverages 90% of the time. I absolutely love ice cold water, but I've been leaving bottles out on the counter and drinking them room temperature. It sucks, but if it helps me, then that's all that matters.

I'm seriously excited that I ovulated on cd15 this month! I have never ovulated that early. The earliest I have ever ovulated was on cd17, but it is usually closer to cd20, and last cycle it was cd25, so I'm literally over the moon. My main goal is to be pregnant this month, but having a shorter cycle will also be great. I'm pretty sure the early ovulation was due to soy isoflavones, which can either make you ovulate sooner or later. When I took them with Audrey, it made me ovulate later, so I was pleasantly shocked this time around.

Symptoms: Nothing except painful ovary twinges (thank you soy) and slightly sore breasts. That is also weird, because I used to have them every month while TTC Audrey, but not at all this time around while trying. I did have them after I got pregnant with Sunny, but not during the TWW. Maybe that is a sign that my progesterone is higher due to the soy. That means I'll definitely have my progesterone levels checked as soon as I get pregnant again, whether it is this month or another one. 

Seriously?

Just a few hours after the last post, I took another OPK and it was almost positive. This shocked me, because I've never gotten a positive OPK that early. I started taking them earlier this cycle because of the SI (soy isoflavones, I'm getting tired of typing that) and the miscarriage.

On cd13 I had a positive OPK, and then yesterday, cd14, I had another positive OPK, and some of the worst ovulation pains I've ever had. But...when I woke up this morning, my temperature still hadn't risen yet, which means I didn't ovulate, and my OPK was lighter and negative, meaning I'm coming down from my surge. I could still ovulate today because anything is possible, but most likely, my body geared up to release an egg and didn't do it.

So, in other words, unless a miracle happens, I have to wait to ovulate, and who knows how long that will be! Thank goodness I order my cheapies in bulk from eBay. I've got tons left, so I'll just keep testing. I'm not going to lie though, I'm already really sick of the follicular phase. I am sick of grapefruit juice, sick of evening primrose oil, sick of everything. The luteal phase is much more fun. I get to eat lots of soup, use a heating pad, and examine my chart to see if my chart goes triphasic...

I also need to go out today or tomorrow and buy another tube of PreSeed, because I "wasted" it thinking I was going to ovulate. That stuff isn't cheap, either.

Sick, sick.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a cold/sinus infection that my daughter gave to me. So now, even drinking four bottles of water, a glass of orange juice, and a glass of grapefruit juice a day, I still feel incredibly thirsty because I am literally made of snot right now. My head also feels like it is going to explode.

My mom called me this morning (on FaceTime) and could tell I was sick. She asked me if I was taking anything for it, and I told her I was doing my very best not to, and I saw her face instantly light up. "Mom, I'm NOT pregnant." I didn't even want to go into details of why I was trying not to take any medicine. I just don't want to dry up my cervical mucus.Hopefully, my suffering this month results in a healthy, full-term pregnancy, but we will just have to see. I really want to take medicine, but I'm not going to.

We also got a phone call last night around 2:15 a.m. It was my husbands' grandmother. His grandpa was rushed to the E.R. last night and unresponsive. He has pneumonia in both lungs. We really hope he can pull through all of this. It will be extremely upsetting and hard if something happens to him, since we lost our baby in July and my grandmother in August.

That's about it right now. Cycle day 12 and still an opk with a half-way there line.